Nobody is perfect. Sometimes even the strongest, happiest relationships get into arguments. Whether you've had a fight with a friend, family member, or partner, there are different ways you can be reconciled. The main goal is the same: let the other person know that you regret what happened and reassure them of how important they are to you.
Part 1 of 3: get in the right frame of mind
Step 1. Apologize immediately
The best course of action is usually to apologize as quickly as possible. This is particularly important in the following cases.
- You accused a person of doing something, but you are wrong.
- You are not extremely upset. When you are frustrated, angry or hurt, or have very strong emotions, it is best to wait before apologizing because you should not let your emotions interfere. If you are in control of these emotions, apologize right away.
- The other person has a desire to make things right. The other person sometimes does not want to deal with the situation immediately, but if he or she does, apologize as soon as possible.
- You do not ask forgiveness for the sole purpose of avoiding conflict or making the other person happy. Some people apologize for not having an unpleasant discussion, this can generate frustration in the medium term, as you do not stand up for your point of view and express your wishes.
Step 2. Take the time to calm down
If you wish to speak with someone while you or the other person is in the grip of anger, neither you nor they will be receptive, and able to listen.
- The saying "never go to bed when you are angry" is very wise. If you wait too long, the anger will stay in you, you will sleep badly and not have a good day the next day. This can lead to a bigger conflict.
- It is possible that not all aspects of the problem will be resolved by the end of the day. The outcome depends on its complexity, depth and sometimes logistics, so you may not be able to resolve the situation immediately. Don't leave it out, however.
Step 3. Manage your impulses
It's perfectly normal to feel upset at another person after an argument, and it might seem natural to want to hurt them in return in some way, such as with smirking or sarcastic comments or reminding them of their failures. past. However, none of these actions are constructive and you should avoid them if you want to come to terms with someone.
Step 4. Separate your feelings from the problem
How you felt about the reason for your argument may be different from the real issue (or the real issues) that really caused the argument. Keep these things separate in your mind so that you can be honest about your feelings and have a productive conversation about what happened.
Step 5. Avoid minimizing the feelings of the other
Don't minimize how he feels by telling him that he shouldn't have felt this way or that he wasn't right. Accept that the other has felt what they have felt in their own way.
Step 6. Avoid reading his mind
As you prepare to approach the other to be reconciled, don't assume that you know how they felt about your argument. Try to approach the subject without having preconceived ideas about how he felt or thought, and don't read between the lines of what he is telling you.
Step 7. Write down your emotions
If you are still upset about your argument or feel that you have things to say that overwhelm you with emotion, try writing them down first. You won't be sharing this with anyone else, your goal is to explore your own emotions and try to clarify them before you share them with someone else.
Step 8. Choose the right time intelligently
Try to avoid approaching this person for reconciliation when they are under a lot of stress or strong emotions (for example while working on an important project, solving a personal problem, or go on holidays). Wait until that person has less to worry about.
Part 2 of 3: talk to each other
Step 1. Arrange an in-person meeting if possible
It is important that you can talk to each other face to face when possible. While it's not really accurate that 90% of human communication is non-verbal, nonverbal signs still play a big role in how others interpret our words and actions. It may be more helpful to speak in person so that you can clarify what you have said and to observe how the other person seems to respond to it.
Step 2. Present your invitation as an offer, not a requirement
You don't want the other person to feel like they have to talk to you. Instead, express your regret about the argument and invite her to express how she felt during that conversation.
For example, you can send him an email or even a handwritten letter telling him that you are sorry about the argument, and that you would like to discuss it with him to better understand how he feels, and if he wants. also the same
Step 3. Give the other person enough space for them to talk
While you want to express your feelings about the argument, you also need to make sure the other person feels heard. Give him enough space to share his own perception of the argument.
- This allows you to have a better understanding of how the other person viewed you during the argument, which can help you formulate your apologies.
- For example, you could say to him: I'm sorry I hurt you. Please help me understand how you feel.
Step 4. Listen to what the other has to say
If you felt hurt during this argument, you can tell her. However, you should first listen to what the other has to say to you. Listening to her shows her that you care about her feelings.
Don't interrupt while she's talking. Wait until she is finished speaking and ask for clarification when needed. Don't contradict her, because a reconciliation is about accepting your responsibility, not about who is right and who is wrong
Step 5. Express your understanding of this person's feelings
After the other person has expressed a thought or emotion, try to rephrase it in your own words. This will show her that you are paying attention to what she is saying and give you leeway in case you misunderstood something. Once you've done that, ask the other person to confirm that you've got it right.
For example, if your friend tells you that he felt really hurt and pushed aside when you didn't invite him to your Christmas party, rephrase what he just said to you in your own words: I understand that you felt hurt because I didn't invite you to my Christmas party
Step 6. Remember the three r's
According to family and marriage counselors, an effective excuse is to follow the rule of the three rs: regret, responsibility, remedy.
- Regret: This element is an expression of your sincere regret for the grief you have caused to the other. For example, you could tell him you're sorry you didn't call him when you told him you would.
- Responsibility: A good excuse should only address your own actions, and you shouldn't find reasons for yourself (even if you think you have a good one). For example, try not to tell her things like: I'm sorry I hurt you, but you too forget to call me all the time. Instead, try telling her: I'm sorry I hurt you by not calling you when I told you I would. I know it was important to you.
- The Cure: A good excuse is going to focus on how you want to right the wrong you've done. This is to show that you are sorry for what you did and that you are going to do your best to make sure it doesn't happen again. For example, you could tell him: I'm sorry I hurt you by forgetting to call you. I know it was important to you. Next time, I'll write it down in my calendar so I won't forget it.
Step 7. Express your empathy for this person
Acknowledge each other's feelings when you apologize. This expression is very important because it lets him know that you mean what you are saying. It shows that you are really trying to imagine the consequences of your actions and that you care about them.
For example, try telling him: I understand why you feel sad that you took me out with your ex. You had a difficult breakup and I made you feel like I did it behind your back instead of talking honestly about it with you. I want you to know that our friendship means a lot to me
Step 8. Use I instead of you
Limit the conversation to what you did and how you felt, rather than blaming the other. If that person finds himself accused, it could just spark a new argument.
For example, if you had a fight because you said something mean to your friend, don't tell them I'm sorry you felt hurt by my remark. This sentence puts the blame on him because he felt hurt, rather than accepting your own responsibility for saying something mean
Step 9. Don't just say you're sorry
By just saying you're sorry, you can make her feel like she's disdaining what happened. Instead, listen to what he has to say and make as specific an excuse as possible.
Don't stop at I wasn't planning on. It does not matter. What is important is that you have hurt the other. You can tell him that was not your intention, but you have to continue by acknowledging what happened and telling him that you regret it
Step 10. Avoid the word but
It can be very tempting to make excuses and follow them with a but: I'm sorry I hurt you, but you were really mean to me. This but can actually negate your apology in the eyes of the other person. Keep your excuses and feelings about what happened separate from each other.
Step 11. Don't get stuck in your positions
One of the most hurtful things that keeps people from coming to terms after arguments is the determination to maintain that they are right. You can admit that you hurt that person. Remember that admitting that you hurt someone doesn't mean you did it on purpose.
For example, if your partner is upset that you forgot their birthday, admit your wrongs: I understand why you feel hurt. I didn't want to do it and I'm sorry
Step 12. Talk about the future
In addition to saying you're sorry, your apology should also contain a phrase about the future so that the other person understands that you are serious about maintaining your relationship. Tell him that in the future you will be careful not to do it again.
Step 13. Avoid making promises you cannot keep
It may not be very sincere to tell him that you won't hurt him again. Arguments are part of relationships. But you can tell him that you are going to try not to hurt him again.
Part 3 of 3: Caring for the relationship
Step 1. Suggest that they do a fun activity together
After you've apologized, offer to do something together. This will show him that you are committed to your relationship and that you want him to feel important and happy. If possible, make this activity personal to your relationship.
- For example, if you both like comedy, offer to come over to your house to do a comedy marathon one of those nights.
- Also, try activities that allow you to interact and discuss, as this allows you to regain positive feelings about your interactions together. These kinds of interactions serve as a reward for having had a constructive discussion together, which reinforces this behavior in the future.
Step 2. Talk about what caused the argument
Once you've apologized and returned to a normal state of affairs, it might be helpful to discuss what sparked the argument. Usually arguments are caused by bigger, buried issues, and if those issues aren't resolved, you might find yourself arguing over and over again about the same things.
- Avoid overly general words when talking about your feelings. Words as always and never leave no room for nuance. Generalizations are often inaccurate and immediately put the other person on the defensive.
- For example, if the argument was started because your partner forgot your birthday, don't tell them that they always forget the important things, even if you think they do! Instead, you can tell him that you felt hurt when he forgot your birthday. This way, you are only making statements about how you felt and experienced, not about the other's intentions.
Step 3. Make communication a priority
Arguments will arise sometimes, but you can reduce their frequency by giving more value to clear communication so that it is easier to reconcile afterwards. Talk openly with the other person about how you are feeling and invite them to do the same.
Don't confuse your openness to talking with saying what's on your mind. While it may be tempting to make a list of all of the other's faults and insult them, it does nothing more than fuel feelings of grief and frustration on both parties
Step 4. Ask him for news
Especially if you have had the same argument several times, regularly ask the other person for news and ask them if you can change what you have to change.
Step 5. Realize that some degree of conflict is normal
In all relationships, whether it's with a friend, family member, or romantic partner, you need to work with someone who is often very different from you. Because of this, it is only natural that there is a certain degree of conflict every now and then. The most important thing to do is not to pretend or ignore this conflict, but rather to deal with it.
- If you find that you argue about the same thing on a regular basis, you should see a counselor. Personal therapy can help you learn better ways to approach your interactions with each other, and couples therapy can help both of you communicate more effectively.
- Be patient and let your partner calm down. Do not try to talk to him so as not to make the situation worse and stir up his anger. Apologize when your partner has regained his composure.
- If you really want to come to terms with someone, you have to come to terms with the fact that they have their own feelings, whether you agree with how they feel or not. By telling him that you understand that he feels hurt, you are not saying that you agree 100%. At this point, showing that you care about that person is more important than knowing who is right or wrong.
- Sometimes it just takes a day or two for the relationship to go back to how it was before.
- If you've had a fight with your partner, it may be tempting to want to make up in bed. However, research suggests that this might be a bad idea, as this action rewards negative interactions - you might seek out the arguments and then get stronger sex. This research suggests that you should first be reconciled before having sex.
- It is natural to argue, as is to feel anger. However, if you are often scared of this person, if they constantly make you feel like it's all your fault, or if that person doesn't express empathy or regret after hurting you emotionally, it could be a sign of 'an abusive relationship. If you think you are in this kind of relationship, ask for help.