A lot has been said over the years about difficult mothers-in-law, but what happens when it's the daughter-in-law (or son-in-law) who is the person who starts the conflict and friction? If your relationship with your daughter-in-law or son-in-law is difficult and you feel like you're walking over a minefield every time you're together, then you're going to need to proceed with caution. It is important that you accept that this is the person your child has decided to marry and there are a few tips you can use to make things easier and thus pave the way for better collaboration in this difficult relationship. Does your parent or “in-laws” need psychological assistance? If so, you can help him with that.
To make this article easier to read, let's assume that you, as a mom, have to deal with your daughter-in-law
Step 1. Respect your child's choice
Your son loves this woman, it doesn't matter if you can't understand what he finds in her. Remember the old song When a Man Loves a Woman by Percy Sledge which says, "When a man loves a woman … If she behaves badly, he doesn't see it." She can't do any harm. He would turn his back on his best friend if he put her down. This is extremely true, so when you are dealing with her, no matter what your true feelings are, you should never utter a word against her in the presence of your son.
Step 2. Be cordial at all times
She can be stupid, rude, and vulgar. She can swear like a carter when your family is Christian. She may even be obnoxious, cruel or manipulative, narcissistic, or the type not to care about the things she imposes on others as long as she gets what she wants. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Just be polite as you would be to a stranger.
The only real exception to this is when your grandchildren (your son has brothers who have children, maybe) are around and she uses derogatory language, then you might say "Oh, can we control our?" language when the children are around? They'll get in trouble for that sort of thing, and I wouldn't want them to find out here. Thank you. No matter how sinister she is, stay calm, quiet, confident, and polite
Step 3. Set your limits in a way that works for you
You may be putting up with this union just to maintain your relationship with your son. It's your choice. Just make it clear from the start.
- If your daughter-in-law makes sarcastic and mean remarks about another family member (your other daughter-in-law, for example), say, "Okay, she might not be fashionable, but this is the fashion. he is one of the nicest people i know and i love him a lot. This leads him to calmly and without problems knowing that you will not be interested in his criticism of that person.
- If she shows up at your house without warning, don't lie, but instead stop her at the door with an unfortunate, but firm, "I'm sorry Allison (think of something you'd like to do), I'm about to go do it." my shopping, so I have to go. And then you know what, it's really better to call ahead, just in case I'm in the shower or dancing naked or whatever. Then smile and go back inside. If she offers to accompany you, let her know that you need to pick up a friend and that this is when you are planning to meet that friend. Tell her that you don't spend a lot of time with your friend and that you won't appreciate if she came with someone at the last minute and that you will respect that state of affairs this time around. Continue as follows: "But if you had informed me earlier that you were coming, I could have either rescheduled my date with Bernice or asked if she would think you were coming with us, that would be good next time." "
- Be positive
Step 4. Keep in mind that she could be the mother of your little sons
Thus, she will have control over the offspring of your son who will result from this marriage. Your best tactic in qualifying for visitors is to maintain a friendly and cordial relationship. Use your tongue if necessary to remain respectful. Don't criticize her parenting, or get carried away if she changes plans at the last minute, leaving you alone in the cold while you planned to babysit on the weekends. It's a way for some to control different situations and other people, and the best thing you can do is accept that she has the final say in everything related to her children. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you have a lot of rights: the courts don't tend to support grandparents unless the mother or father has been declared unfit or has been arrested for a crime. Just do your best to keep a relationship viable no matter what you have to say.
Step 5. Talk to your son or daughter, but be careful
Don't just address your daughter-in-law's negatives. Instead, try a diplomatic, non-judgmental approach instead. Mention the problem and then offer your solution.
- Example: Your daughter-in-law was supposed to drop off your grandchildren at your house for Friday night, but she didn't arrive. You wait an hour and a half before finally calling your son, angry and upset to notice that their plans have changed and the visit has been canceled. Ideally, you wait a day, then call your son or daughter to discuss a suitable way to prevent such a problem.
- You (mother): “Josh, you asked us if we would like to babysit last weekend. Allison was supposed to bring them in around 5 p.m. and when we found that until 6:30 p.m. they weren't there yet we were anxious. I had to call you to find out your plans had changed and you both had known it since Thursday. "
- Joshua (your son) responds, “I'm sorry mom. I thought Alli warned you and she in turn thought I warned you and we got a bit lost. We're so busy, plus the plans changed at the last minute so I'm sorry for that. "
- You: “I understood this to be a confusion, but it has happened in the past and the point is it seems that in the end Allison never calls us when the plans change. What ends up happening is I call you to see what's going on. This is a real disrespect Josh and you know it. Your dad and I have our own lives and are just as busy. We revised our schedule last weekend so the kids could come hang out here, and your dad turned down an invitation from his friends to go fishing. Soon, I would like you to phone at least a day in advance if plans change, but I would really like you to be the one in charge, rather than hoping your wife would. I don't want to be a mean mother-in-law causing trouble with your wife. However, I also wouldn't like to be hung in the void, whether it's knowingly done or not, it makes me feel like a doormat. So, do we agree on this for the days to come? If the plans change and you back down, you'll be calling, not Allison. Is that clear ? "
- 2nd Example: “The reverse happens. Allison shows up all the time and wants the kids to stay with you, leaving you with little or no time for yourself and treating you like someone whose services she hires and her personal babysitter always on hand. "
- You: “Allison, I'm sorry, I can't take care of the child care right now. "
- Allison: “Oh, I know it's unforeseen, but please. I really have to take care of this”(she says as she pushes the children towards the door).
- You: (steadfastly outside the door) "I'm sorry darling, I won't be able to do it this time." I would have loved to do it, but I would have really liked to have been warned. I have plans that I cannot cancel and I cannot keep the children with me. "
- Don't let it go just to keep the peace between yourselves. It won't work. It will continue to do so, and you will also continue to feed on anger. Ultimately, you will end up breaking down saying something unfortunate that causes deep disagreement in your family. Instead, stick to your position, kindly, but firmly, and set that boundary clearly. Call your son later.
- You: “I guess Allison told you that I was mean today and didn't want to play babysitter. Is not it ? "
- Josh: (he probably understands and doesn't blame you, but he's annoyed that his wife is making a big deal out of it and doesn't know how to get her to stop accusing you).
- You: "I feel bad about this, but I have a life too my son, and lately it looks like Allison thinks I'll be willing to babysit whenever she feels like going to work. shopping with her friends or whatever she likes. I wouldn't want to be taken for granted. I don't feel like causing WW3 here, but Josh, I need to be informed in advance. A little recognition anyway! It is not easy for me to take small children, of course I love them, but I am getting old. I have educated my children and I think I at least deserve respect by first asking if I will be available to babysit, rather than drop by like dropping them off at my house. Can you talk to her please? I think she would understand if this is from you, but in the future, I would really like her to call me. Even if it's only a few hours in advance that I at least have a chance to say yes or no. It will make me feel better. "
- Once again, no matter how awkward and rude you find Allison, it would be better if you just shared your feelings about this matter rather than criticized it. Josh will definitely understand and if you can get him to talk to his wife rather than just keep you silent with her, it will make things better between you. However, if Josh tries in vain, because his wife is one of those people who think they are all allowed, no matter how much it bothers others, then you will just have to set clear boundaries and never give up. A suggestion: never play babysitter unless you have been warned 24 hours in advance, make sure Josh and Allison are both aware of this. Make it clear that you also have a life and that if you are given a day's notice you may well be willing to help, but other than that you will not be available. In other words, if she calls you and asks you to babysit only an hour in advance, you are just saying that you have other things planned already. If you stand firm on your position and do not allow her to attack you, but instead inform her calmly and without too much explanation, she will quickly understand that she can no longer count on you for this.
Step 6. Accept the situation
If your son has children with this woman, no matter what you think of her, the children need their mother. Trying to create a discord between them and their mother will only create a misunderstanding between you and your son and his sons. Instead, you'll need to realize this: She might not be the daughter-in-law of your dreams, but she is the daughter-in-law that you "have." Do your best to have any relationship with her, just to keep in touch with your son and grandchildren.
Step 7. Be nice if all other methods fail
If you know her to be conceited, then flatter her. If you know she loves gossip, then find another place to stay so she doesn't get involved. If she swears and it offends you, never let her know when she's at home, but you could ask her to stop when she's at your house. If it is very critical of your kitchen, your sense of decor, your clothing, just ignore it. Learn to deal with an impossible person. Listen politely and attentively to what she is saying, and then do exactly what feels right to you. If it is 'just' difficult, then this might be the best you can hope for. If she's dangerous, then that's a whole different story (example: the reason she's difficult to character is because she's an alcoholic or a drug addict) and you will need to contact the protection services of children (or similar organizations) in such a situation.
Step 8. Follow the wave
Learn to be more laid back. Complaining about her all the time to your son won't do you any good. If you have expressed your feelings, distanced yourself and asked your son to intervene, with no concrete result, then go with the flow. All you can do is not allow her to constantly ask you with unreasonable expectations for babysitting services, etc. Also, if she's the type to make critical and sarcastic comments, then just ignore them. Never say anything critical or mean to your grandchildren about her. She is their mother and no matter how you wish things had turned out, the mother "always" trumps the grandmother, at least until the children are old enough to see their mother as the mother. tough, spoiled and narcissistic person that she is. Just try to get along for the sake of the children, that way you can be an instrument of stability and compassion in their lives. So, with any luck, you might lessen the harm she does to them.
- Try not to take it out on your son.
- Just realizing that you can't change it, but that you can just change your attitude towards it, can be very liberating.
- Don't show your anger for hours when she behaves sarcastically or makes an inappropriate remark. Keep in mind that these comments say more about her than you do.
- A positive attitude and the willingness to deal as best as possible with any situation you may face with this woman are things that will help you in the long run.
- Show her respect, even when she doesn't.
- Realize that there are several reasons that could explain her attitude: she might be shy, have her own trust issues, or be overly eager to feel family-type acceptance and in that willingness, this might overstep any set rules. It may seem like a bone of contention, but in reality, this behavior may go away over time, as she will feel welcome and like a member of the family. If you have been welcoming, but she has been rejected, continue to reach out to welcome her into the family until she realizes she is welcome.
- Accept that some people are like water and oil, they cannot live together. It is not necessarily because they are insensitive or vice versa. It could simply be due to a personality clash. We cannot be loved by everyone. If you can just come to terms with the fact that she will never be your best friend and try to enjoy those moments that you “might” spend with her, you'll be better off.
- Living with a stepdaughter involves recurring frustrations. If you can try to start all over again every time you see her, you will no longer hold a grudge or resentment in your heart.
- Any offensive comments you make to him will not please your son.Lose your temper.