You have found the evidence, you have confronted your spouse, and are now trying to see if you can save the marriage. Your feelings and worries are completely normal, if you doubt that you can love and trust again, if you are worried that you will not get over this hurt, the fury and jealousy that comes with finding an affair in your partner.. You shouldn't feel isolated in your grief, however, or wonder what will happen next.
Step 1. Realize that you are in shock
At first, this is the time when you can't believe it. You cannot understand that your spouse has been physically and emotionally intimate with another person, that he (or she) has been sneaky and gone out on his or her side to find time to see that person. And all this time you haven't seen anything. You start by putting the pieces of the puzzle together to realize that your reality was in fact just a lie. You will probably feel like you are in a thick fog at this point as you try to make sense of what is going on and wonder if this is not all just a bad dream.
Step 2. Expect to feel rage
You begin to realize that the situation is a reality and that it is not a nightmare. You might experience physical discomfort during this time and find that you just aren't able to get out of bed, go to work, or connect with others in everyday life. You can only think of this connection. It's not uncommon for you to find yourself crying, throwing or breaking things, screaming, and losing all control of yourself. You cannot get over the anger and may express your anger in unhealthy, dangerous, or even illegal forms.
- The desire for revenge. You are in your most dangerous state of all if you feel this way. Know that your thoughts are not clear and that you just want to get revenge on the person who cheated on you, if you are experiencing this kind of emotion.
- You could be plotting ways to get your spouse back or to harm the third party involved in this adultery.
- You might want to take revenge by having an affair yourself and thinking about who you could sleep with to tie the game with your partner.
- You might think of ways to humiliate your partner's lover or mistress by hurting them personally, professionally, or financially.
- Remember that this period will pass. Decisions made under the influence of emotion arising from your grief often lead to actions that you may later regret.
Step 3. Let go of your anger
At this point, the initial fury has worn off and you end up with a dull ache and feeling like you've been wrung out by your emotions. This is usually the time when you play with the idea of reconciling or taking steps to get a divorce. You think more logically, even though you are deeply hurt and are no longer so consumed with the need for revenge, but more eager to assess your life, your goals as well as the future of your marriage. You no longer focus as much on the other woman or man and prefer to think about your spouse and the chaos he has put in your marriage. During this time, you are often too tired to struggle, to cry, or to relive this horror from morning till night. You want it to stop, one way or another.
Step 4. Paste up the pieces of the broken marriage
You will need the unwavering cooperation of your adulterous spouse at this point if you are to save your marriage. The person should understand that it will be a long process that will only take longer if your partner puts obstacles in your way and delays your recovery.
- Here is what the adulterous spouse can do to delay the reconciliation process:
- refuse to answer questions about things you have a right to know;
- refuse to give you the proof that you have the right to ask him;
- the spouse continues to see the other man or woman;
- he takes the situation lightly;
- he gives no importance to his adultery;
- he makes you responsible for the situation;
- it decides for you when you should have overcome this problem.
- Know that each of these attitudes goes against a restoration of your romantic relationship and almost prevents any possibility of recovery. Now is the time to take a step back and do something different, if you are not going to save your marriage. That doesn't mean you should ruin the lives of everyone you meet because you want to forget about your marriage. It means finding activities and interests that you can bring forward in your life to fill the void left by the loss of your spouse. It will be quite a lonely time for you, but you will stay in this state indefinitely if you just whimper in your corner and take pity on yourself.
Step 5. Learn to trust again
This is a difficult step, whether you are trying to mend your current relationship or starting a new one. However, it is not advisable to start a love affair too quickly, as you need time to heal your wounds and be comfortable with yourself again before welcoming a new person into your life. You can only trust an adulterous spouse again when he puts his cards on the table and behaves like an open book with you, if you are going to save your marriage. This is an extremely long and slow process that will only get better over time. You're on your way to trusting again when all you need to do is verify once that what your partner is saying is not a lie and that you are almost certain that he or she no longer sees his mistress or his lover. But it won't work if, as mentioned above, the adulterous spouse doesn't help you through this procedure. Moreover, this process will be endless whether you have to deal with a spouse who multiplies adultery or one who continues to cheat on you, even after swearing to stay faithful to you. This is why you are probably not going to seek to rebuild the confidence necessary in the framework of a balanced marriage.
Step 6. Deal with sensitive situations
These situations can be names, places, and events that painfully remind you of your spouse's adultery. Perhaps it was a song that was in fashion during this affair, a restaurant or hotel that he frequented with the lover or mistress, meeting places, colleagues or mutual friends.
- These triggers can also come in the form of someone reminding you of the other man or woman or hearing that first name. Reviewing old photos can also become a trigger if it is a snapshot where you smile blissfully at the camera without knowing that your partner was having sex with someone else outside. that time.
- These tender points are all hurtful memories.
- There is no cure to avoid this type of sensitive area. The only thing you can do is stop obsessing over these things and go nuts about what you can't master.
Step 7. Set Realistic Goals
Now is a good time to find out whether or not you are going to continue your current romantic relationship. It will obviously never be the same again and you should get used to a new reality after experiencing such traumatic events. You might consider the following things.
- Can you continue to live this way? Will you be able to restore your confidence in your spouse without overwhelming them every day with questions and comments about their affair? Did your partner take responsibility for what he did and make a serious effort to save your relationship? Did he promise not only not to repeat this behavior, but also to avoid finding himself in a situation that could favor adultery? If so, it's completely realistic to want to move on when you think your romantic relationship can be saved.
- On the other hand, if your partner refuses to admit this affair, if he does not answer your questions, behaves suspiciously, or continues to see the other man or woman, you should ask yourself if you can really live with it. There is no point in wanting to save your marriage if you are unable to do so. Only you can make this decision: you should take the time to find out what is best in the long run for your own sake, even if the advice of others may be helpful.
Step 8. Find a new balance
You will recover, with or without him or her. It takes time, but this experience will have made you stronger, healthier, and more self-aware. Recognize that you can't trust another person if you aren't one hundred percent responsible for your happiness. You should analyze yourself a bit during this time to find out if there is something you could have changed in this romantic relationship to make it stronger. It is never good to be too dependent on your spouse.
Find interests and friends on your own. By doing this, you have something to bounce back from if your romantic relationship is over. Otherwise, this experience will have served you for your personal development
Step 9. Don't be too hard on yourself and accept to grow
You can learn a lot about yourself, your partner, and your relationship after adultery. Do not miss this teaching just because you are busy with your grief. Remember good old Nietzsche: what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
- It is likely that your worries are not in vain: intuition exists and only you can know the temper of your spouse.
- Don't stay the same person after you have been through hell! Be a new, more empowered person whether you stay or go. Your partner is not what completes you.
- The art of healing also lies in your ability to evaluate yourself. While there is no excuse for romantic betrayal, ask yourself if you have been the best and most loving spouse possible. Ask yourself if you could not have been more available to your partner.
- Be aware of the tensions associated with marriage:
- great differences in temperament;
- needs that have not been met;
- and accumulated resentment.
- Recognize that you shouldn't demand that your marriage be back to what it was when it started. You would be better off if you gave up your old relationship and tried to build a new one within your relationship. A wedding anniversary, a new way of communicating with each other, and a new commitment to work together are often what is most important.
- Try to reduce the impact of others when you have to deal with the consequences of a spousal affair. Only you know what is best for you, and you might be surprised by the number of people who have absolutely no regard for your own interests when they meddle in your affairs.
- You can read stacks of books, spend hours with a marriage counselor, and spend your days listening to each other's advice, but that's ultimately up to you. you decide what is best for you. You should definitely realize that your partner really loves you and is fully committed to making this work for you. He is perfectly capable of loving you and very well. You should believe in your partner's promises and prove to yourself that they deserve your trust.