After you've betrayed someone's trust, it's going to take a lot of patience and determination to restore it. With persistence, it is possible to lessen this person's disappointment and make your relationship even better than it used to be. You aren't going to bring the relationship back to where it was by rebuilding trust, you should rather open up about who you are by using new ways of doing it and dealing with your issues to become a better person.
Part 1 of 3: apologize
Step 1. Show him that you are sincere
You must express sincere remorse. Do more than usual! Don't try to justify yourself or make excuses for yourself. Do not use "but" or "if only" while apologizing and know that all your attempts to blame him on him will backfire. You don't have to make him guilty, you have to accept your responsibility.
- Don't pretend to apologize because you are going to sound too detached and the other is not going to take it well.
- If you feel like crying, don't hold back. Don't hesitate to cry. It shows that you are sincere and that you feel guilty.
- At some point, you need to make it clear to him that you know what you have done is wrong. Explain how badly you feel about what you have done.
- A sincere apology is as much about what you say as it is about what you do. It's difficult, because people like to keep a positive image of themselves. Research has shown that it's easier to feel humble if you spend time before excuses thinking about what you love about yourself.
Step 2. Try to take time
Time will give you the distance you need to understand what is going on and to better express what you are feeling. An excuse you give in the heat of the moment might seem less sincere, like trying to get out of your troubles quickly without wanting to deal with the underlying problem.
Step 3. Write your apology
Write a letter or email. Usually, it's best to apologize in person. However, if the person you've hurt is avoiding you or doesn't believe you can express yourself properly in person, the letter is a great way to express your feelings in a thoughtful way.
- When writing an apology letter, take the time to think carefully about what you are writing. After you've written it, reread it several days later to see if you could have written it better now that you've taken a step back.
- Don't apologize by text, and avoid apologizing by email if possible. Try to write a letter. Even consider sending it to him with flowers.
- If you have a professional relationship with the person whose trust you have betrayed, be sure to write a sufficiently professional letter. Include a professional greeting like “Dear Mr. Durand” and end with “Sincerely (your name)”.
- If that person is a close friend, you might want to use less formal language. Consider replacing “best regards” with a friendlier greeting and starting the letter with your friend's name instead of starting with “dear”.
Step 4. Be specific
When you apologize, you have to go into the details. For example, if you say, “I'm sorry I was mean to you,” you're not going to express that you understand what you did. On the other hand, it will be clearer that you understood what you did if you write, "I'm sorry I put you down during your party, that was selfish and reckless.""
It is important to accept the guilt. You have to understand and accept your mistakes before you can move on. Understand that it was you who made a mistake. You have to be aware of this in everything you do
Step 5. Be honest, but not overly honest
You need to show the person you've hurt that you're ready to rebuild trust in your relationship. However, pay attention to details that might hurt the other. Your goal is to move on, not dwell on the past.
For example, if you cheated on your partner, you should tell them. However, it is not necessary to give him a detailed report of everything that happened, because it will remind him of this event. Be direct if you've betrayed his trust, but don't dwell on the details
Step 6. Discuss your problems
Without trying to make the other feel guilty, try to explain to them why you did what you did. Is there something in your past that you are having trouble dealing with? Give him serious reasons that can explain your behavior. It should become an opportunity to find support to become a better person.
- You will seem to be making excuses for your actions if you try to explain yourself too soon. Wait for your partner to express his feelings and sincerely apologize. It would be better if you wait until your partner asks you to explain your behavior.
- For example, if you posed a bunny to a friend, don't tell them you didn't want to see them because you're sick of them talking about their girlfriend all the time. Instead, focus on how you are feeling. Tell her, “I feel let down when you talk about your girlfriend because I feel like you don't care what I'm saying. "
- Sentences with "I" are the best way to express how you feel without hurting the other. Try telling him, "I feel (how you feel) when you (what he does and who bothers you) because that (the reason why it bothers you). "
Step 7. Resist the urge to force him to forgive you
It is very difficult to regain confidence after a betrayal. People remember the things that hurt them longer than the things that make them happy. Be prepared to give this person as much time as they want.
- Let him know that he can express what he feels as much as he wants and that you are there to help him.
- Remember the importance of trust. Research has shown that a relationship where you can trust each other improves overall psychological health. It relieves anxiety and makes you stronger to face your problems. Thus, people who have confidence in their partner manage to better manage stress.
Part 2 of 3: rebuild trust with actions
Step 1. Make realistic promises
There are steps you both need to agree on to move forward in your relationship. This should be clear enough so that there is no confusion. It should be things that you can accomplish that should relate directly to what you have done.
For example, if you've been out with your friends, been drinking, and messed up, don't just say you won't. However, you also shouldn't decide to stop meeting your friends. Instead, try to decide on a time that you will always go home or a maximum number of drinks that you allow yourself to drink
Step 2. Put your promises into action
It is imperative to always keep your promises to rebuild trust. At that point, if you don't keep your promises, it could be worse than the first thing you did. You have convinced the person you hurt that you won't do it again and that you will get better. If you betray her trust again, she might never trust you again.
Step 3. Be patient
Forgiveness takes time, and you are going to have to be patient and consistent. Your patience and persistence will be determined by the importance of the relationship in your life. There is nothing more important than trust in a relationship.
Sometimes you will feel like you are not making progress or going in the right direction. Often, it's just speed bumps in the road that brings you back to confidence. If you want this to be successful, you have to persevere
Step 4. Give up your privacy
For a while, this person is not going to be able to trust you and they are going to ask you to prove to them that you are not doing anything wrong. Give him access to your emails and social media accounts. Show him the call history. Show him that you have nothing to hide.
It might not always be necessary, but it can be a good idea if you've betrayed someone's trust by chatting behind their back with someone you shouldn't have. This is even more desirable if you have done it online
Step 5. Buy him gifts
You must try to do more than promised. By showing that you can do more than what you promised, you are showing her that you are not just following your deal, but that you want to do whatever you can to help her heal emotionally. It also includes small gestures. You can bring him coffee or give him gifts. This helps show her that you really feel sorry for what you did and that you want to be forgiven.
Don't overdo it either. It is not necessary to give him access to your bank account
Step 6. Do household chores for that person
If you've really hurt her, she might not really want to take care of herself. Use this opportunity to show her how much you want her to feel good. Clean up after her and cook her meals. Make sure she doesn't have anything to worry about until she is feeling better emotionally.
Step 7. Take the time
Often times, everyday tasks are one of the biggest obstacles to intimacy in modern couples. You might have so much going on that you're not spending enough time with the person you want to bond with. Take some free time to date this person, just the two of you.
Part 3 of 3: Moving On After The Apology
Step 1. Give yourself some space
Sometimes the other person needs the space to see that you understand that you did something wrong and that you changed your behavior so that you don't start over. It takes time for others to see that you want to improve.
Depending on the severity of what you did, it could take anywhere from a few weeks to a few months
Step 2. Forgive yourself
Everybody makes mistakes. Once you've apologized and changed your behavior, you need to move on from feeling guilty about what you've done. Learn from your mistakes and accept that you have now become a better person than you were.
At the end of the day, you have to put in some effort to achieve realistic trust based on the fact that the other is human, isn't perfect, and makes mistakes
Step 3. Respect it, but remember to respect yourself too
Do not accept mistreatment or financial ruin for your penance. You have to be prepared to put up with the other's anger if you've done something wrong. However, don't let that person make you feel insecure.
Step 4. Also accept that the relationship may not return to normal
Unfortunately, if you've betrayed the other's trust, it might never be fixed, no matter how hard you try to be forgiven. If so, it's better for you both to move on and put your emotional baggage behind.
If you don't see improvement after six months, it probably means it's time to give up. If their behavior becomes physically abusive, you should prioritize your safety and walk away
Step 5. Ask for support from others
It can be difficult to end a relationship. You might need some help. Ask professionals like therapists, church members, and counselors. Chat with your friends and try to meet new people.
Don't get back together too quickly. First make sure you have healed and feel comfortable with yourself or you are sure to end up in another failed relationship that will delay your healing
Step 6. Forgive yourself and forgive others
If you feel angry, it will only make things worse. Focus on the good things, not the bad ones. Remember that this is the opportunity for you and the other to grow.