Romantic relationships are complicated. It’s not easy for two people, with different personalities, wants and needs, to get along perfectly. Even the best couples go through hard times and breakups. However, these relationships are usually worth it. To fight for a relationship, you need to re-engage with your partner, come to terms with the past, and finally accept your loved one.
Part 1 of 4: reach out to him
Step 1. Apologize, if necessary
Relationships can be strained if one partner feels hurt, whether after a fight, over reckless talk, or an old, old resentment. To some extent, all couples experience this kind of situation. The important thing is to open a dialogue and apologize for the bad deeds. By apologizing, you will confirm your commitment to your spouse and your relationship.
- To apologize properly, you need to be sincere, specific, and admit your mistake. If you've disrespected your girlfriend or undermined her trust, accept your mistakes. This doesn't mean you should take all the blame, but admit your share of the blame.
- Be sincere and specific. Apologize only to make amends and repair the damage, not for any other reason. At the same time, be clear about the reason for your apology and your conduct. For example, you could say this, “I'm sorry I left furious after our discussion. I understand that it hurt you and that you felt humiliated. Forgive me please. "
- Avoid sneaky excuses. Such apologies are not sincere and do not show any responsibility on your part. Examples are: "I'm sorry if my actions offended you," or "I'm sorry if you took it wrong. "
- Don't wait for an apology. It is important to forgive each other, but your partner needs time to understand their feelings. If you ask him to apologize, it will be like asking for something from him.
Step 2. Listen carefully to the other
Apologizing is only the first step in opening the dialogue. It won't help matters, but it does help break the ice and begin the process of forgiveness. Don't be surprised if your girlfriend reacts emotionally or even interrupts you. However, don't be tempted to interrupt and defend yourself. Stay calm, be respectful and be very attentive.
- Try not to be defensive or insist on telling your side of the story. Your first reaction may be to correct or refute what she said, but let her speak.
- If you are patient, your partner will be able to speak up openly, without fear or reprisal. This behavior demonstrates how eager you are to fix the problem.
- Remember that the whole point of making an apology is to improve the relationship. It is not about showing who is right and who is wrong.
Step 3. Leave the door open, but don't insist
Let your partner know that you want to save your marriage. At the same time, accept that these things take time. Resist the temptation to chase after her, especially if she has distanced herself, otherwise you risk losing her further. Give her time and space while leaving the door open for eventual reconciliation.
- Make it clear to her that you are ready to chat when she is ready. Make sure she knows you are open to dialogue.
- After a quarrel or resentment, people often need to find their physical and emotional space. Try to recognize and respect this need, instead of suing your partner.
Part 2 of 4: reconciling with the past
Step 1. See a therapist alone or together
This won't necessarily solve the situation, but it's a great way to discuss and resolve your issues, as well as learn to communicate better. If the relationship is in trouble, consider couples therapy, although you can see a psychotherapist on your own.
- If you have communication difficulties or trust issues, if you are distant and only occupy the same space, or if one of you has negative feelings, ask your partner to accompany you to the therapist.
- Choose a psychologist who is right for you both. It can take some time. On your first visit, ask her questions about her qualifications, experience, ability to deal with relationship issues, and success rate.
- A psychotherapist should be seen as a counselor and not someone who solves all problems by magic. He will give you some advice, but most of the work will be done outside of the sessions.
- Consider talking to a psychotherapist even if your partner refuses to do so.
Step 2. Prepare to dig into the past
In order to fight for a relationship, you will need to face issues head-on and not just write them down, which will only make them worse. Whether you are assisted by a psychotherapist or not, be prepared to discuss your relationship issues in depth. And, it won't be easy. It involves reopening old wounds and expressing resentment and disappointment.
- Be prepared to listen to your partner. To turn the page, it is necessary to understand the wounds of the past and to put yourself in the other's shoes.
- Be prepared to voice your frustrations, but tactfully. Resist the temptation to blame or justify past behavior. Instead, try to understand the reasons: you may find that they weren't as bad as they seemed at first glance.
- Remember what united you. There is a reason you were together at the beginning. Try to think about why you loved each other and whether you can rekindle that spark.
Step 3. Learn to express your feelings constructively
Expressing your feelings helps you understand your motivations and needs, which is why you need to learn how to talk and how to disagree. It may be helpful for you to reassess your different assumptions and express your needs clearly and openly.
- If you are in therapy, find out about the most effective communication strategies with the psychotherapist.
- Follow the rules for effective and fair communication. For example, try not to use an accusing tone. Introduce your sentences with "I think" or "I feel". Avoid phrases like "every time you …" or "you never have …" as well as generalizations.
- Be specific, stick to the facts and your feelings. Talk about what you need, not what you want. Here's an example: “I need your support to advance my career, but I don't want it. "
- Otherwise, try saying this, "I feel ignored because I need more affection in public from you," and not "you ignore because you never show affection in public." "
- Ask your partner to express her point of view. Don't interrupt, listen carefully, and then try to repeat what she said.
Part 3 of 4: See your partner as a whole person
Step 1. Learn to accept it
If you really want to fight for your relationship, you have to be prepared to accept your partner as a whole person, including their habits and behaviors that you dislike or that bother you. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary if you want to save your marriage.
- Try to see things from their point of view. Suppose you don't like his lack of organization. Try to turn the situation around and put yourself in his shoes. For example, is your husband really very messy or are you just obsessed with property?
- Accept that you have no control over your partner, their past, and their upbringing. If you start to think that his “bad” habits are due to his upbringing or his priorities and values, you can ease the tension between yourselves.
- However, keep certain limits. You don't have to accept destructive or abusive behavior.
Step 2. Get rid of the feeling of superiority
To save a relationship, it is important not only to compromise on trifles like the habits and behaviors of the other, but also on more serious questions like the "merits". This attitude doesn't help at all because it keeps you from changing your perspective on yourself and your partner.
- Remember one thing: just because one of you is right doesn't necessarily mean the other is wrong. Conflicting opinions do not invalidate yours - they are just different.
- For example, your ideas about etiquette (how to behave, speak, and socialize politely) may be very different from your lover's. And that doesn't mean that your or hers opinions are the best. They are just different.
Step 3. Respect and support their needs
Perhaps the most important thing to do to save a relationship is to cultivate empathy. In order to be able to accept other's opinions and values, you must strive to meet their emotional and physical needs in the best possible way, without compromising your own.
- Be prepared to compromise as long as their needs don't violate your own values. Suppose your spouse is very religious and you are not. How ready are you to support such a need?
- Here's another example: You got into a fight with your spouse and came to the conclusion that they express their love differently, perhaps through gifts or gestures. Are you ready to learn its "language" as well? If you put in the effort, he will feel more valued.
Part 4 of 4: reconciling with your ex
Step 1. Find out if your ex still has feelings for you
Sometimes we want to fight over a relationship that has already ended or is ending. This situation is not uncommon. According to reports, around 50% of young people reconcile at least once after a breakup. Try to figure out if your ex still has feelings for you.
- Try to be discreet. If you overdo it, your ex might feel harassed, so it's best to keep your distance, at least in the beginning. Don't force yourself to contact him, and don't ask your friends to investigate his life.
- Try to pick up clues on social media, in conversations with mutual friends, or with your ex, if you're on good terms. The odds may be in your favor.
Step 2. Contact him
If you still have feelings for him and there's reason to believe that he isn't indifferent to you either, then try contacting him. Try to do it discreetly. For example, send her a short message on Facebook or an email. Be concise and don't be arrogant, otherwise you risk scaring her.
- Find an excuse for the first contact. For example, tell him this: "Today I had ice cream and I remembered how much you liked banana ice cream. How are you ? "Or" I accidentally saw your name on Facebook and thought to say hi. I hope you are well. "
- Take their response into account to move on to the next step. If her answer is short, like "yes, it's okay." I hope you are doing well too ", you are unlikely to win him back. On the other hand, a more affectionate response may indicate greater interest.
- If the answer is positive, arrange a meeting. For example, invite her to chat over coffee or a drink. Make him understand that the meeting will be short, without commitment.
Step 3. Make it clear
Decide in advance what to say and how to do it. Choose your words carefully, as your ex-boyfriend may still have strong feelings towards you, both positive and negative. Say what you think: Express remorse, apologize if necessary, but act tactfully.
- Let her know that you're sorry that things didn't work out between you and that you want to put things in perspective. Here's an example: “I just wanted to know how you're doing and talk about what went wrong between us. "
- Let the conversation guide what you say. If your ex is dating someone else and is happy, don't push it. However, if he still seems to have something for you, gradually state the possibility of reconciling over the course of the conversation.
- Do not rush if he agrees to resume the relationship. Your relationship probably ended for good reasons, and you may need the help of a psychotherapist to resolve your issues.
- Be prepared to move on if your ex isn't interested. At least you were able to talk about it and close it.