Have you had a romantic relationship with a woman who wants to marry another man? If so, know that it could come as a real surprise, depending on the type of relationship you had with her. Chances are, you are overwhelmed by a huge wave of different emotions. Luckily, there are some things you can do right now to get over the news that a woman you care about will marry someone else. Additionally, you can learn to focus on your life and deal with the feeling of betrayal that still lingers within you.
Part 1 of 3: coping with shock
Step 1. Keep your distance
You may be surprised and hurt after hearing the news. Even if you may not be able to contact her immediately after, you should do everything in your power to hold back. Either way, she made the decision she should make, which is her right, even though it might hurt you a lot.
- Resist the urge to send him a message. In case you have trouble stopping to think about what you want to say to her, go to a close friend who you can tell or try writing to her.
- Avoid all contact with her on social media, stop following her and stop being friends with her.
- Don't even go look at their social media profile anymore. If you find you are doing this, try not to get angry. Just stop doing it and go do something else.
Step 2. Avoid overreacting
Even if she has treated you outrageously badly, avoid doing something that is motivated by revenge. Obviously, you shouldn't do anything illegal or dangerous, and it's also important that you don't say or do anything disrespectful. Above all, you should not contact her repeatedly to question her righteousness or moral principles.
- If you've felt betrayed, you'll likely end up thinking one-sidedly when trying to figure out who is wrong. For this reason, you should not let your first feelings and thoughts guide your behavior.
- Don't make a scene or be hysterical. In other words, you should avoid seeing her if you know that you might be overwhelmed by strong emotions when you are in front of her.
- If you're having trouble staying calm, start a regular daily habit. The structure and repetitiveness are comforting, especially in times of stress.
- Don't use alcohol or drugs to get over your grief. Besides the fact that these are unhealthy behaviors, you can end up doing things that you will regret. Instead, try calming yourself down by taking deep breaths, meditating, jogging, or whatever can help you refocus.
Step 3. Try to imagine that the worst is over
Of course, this will not make your feelings go away right away, but can help keep your mind set to move forward. You have just faced some traumatic news, but it can help you cope better with difficult achievements in the future if you can overcome it.
- If it's a more direct approach you want, know that you have no choice but to do it. You have to move on and you know you will get there eventually, even if you think it is impossible now.
- Be proud of the moral strength you had shown at times. When suddenly you think about her after forgetting about it for a while, congratulate yourself that you could start moving on, no matter if you thought you might be able to or not.
Step 4. Try to find a support system
While this may seem like overkill, the experience you are going through can feel like grieving. Grieving is a process in which one needs the support of others. Connect with close friends and family, especially those who have gone through a painful separation.
- Try to spend time with those who excite you. People who are positive and a good listener are best able to help you get over this. Also, surround yourself with people with whom you can speak honestly without fear of being judged or criticized.
- Make new friends! In fact, a lot of people tend to have their circle of friends shrinking when dating someone. It could be even worse if the majority of the friends you have are with her as well. Don't be afraid to connect with the people you care about and plan some simple things to do so you can see how well you get along.
- Don't be afraid to ask for help explicitly. With that in mind, you might say something like, “Hey, can I share some of my thoughts with you? I think it would help relieve myself a bit and I really wanted to hear your advice. "
Part 2 of 3: Moving forward in your own life
Step 1. Recognize that you weren't meant to be together
Letting go is one of the hardest things to do in a breakup. Even after the other has moved on, you may still be thinking about a series of hypothetical questions. However, you have to keep in mind that there are plenty of other reasons why things haven't worked out.
- Think about how you felt while dating her. Usually, when we think about our past relationships, we only remember the good things. Maybe you've even wondered if things are going well between you.
- Accept that she's moved on. Maybe you were hoping the situation would work out between the two of you and still have a chance with her. It can be very difficult to be forced to give up on this dream, but you have to see her marriage to another man as a definitive answer to your doubts: the relationship you had is over.
- Even if you were not convinced that it had to be so, it is very painful to be the one who has been abandoned. But be aware that you might be more drawn to her now, in part because of the sudden distance she imposed on you.
Step 2. Follow your interests
Usually each of us has a list of things that we would like to spend more time doing, experiencing, or knowing. Choose one or two of these activities. For example, you could start going to the gym three times a week instead of just once. Another option is to create a completely new hobby.
- Choose something active and creative. You can interpret this however you want. Staying active will make you feel better about yourself and your body, and being creative can be a powerful way to express your emotions.
- For example, guided meditation or yoga will not only help you feel better, but also allow you to meet new people. Having simple activities every week can open the door to a new group of friends and a new lifestyle.
- Maybe you still feel like playing the guitar. This is your chance! You might even find people you could learn and practice with if you contact music stores or search online.
Step 3. Plan to do something that you can look forward to
The classic example is going on vacation. Start sending emails or messages to a group of friends and come up with ideas for a weekend. You could choose a relatively close location so that they can come easily without spending too much money. Pick a weekend a month or so in advance so that everyone can prepare well and at the same time help give you something to look forward to until next month!
In case you are unable to travel, invite your friends to join you next weekend to relax. Nothing better than a video game marathon can distract and relax you for a while
Step 4. Find new priorities for yourself
Sometimes a big shock is just what you need. So use your new "freedom" to refocus your goals. As soon as you start to think about her, try to distract yourself immediately. Consider choosing a goal that you wanted to achieve, and each time these thoughts crop up, think about what you could do to reach that goal and work on it.
If you need a new goal, try meeting someone. Instead of just waiting to do it, start introducing yourself more to those you care about. You might be able to do this easily during events related to an activity you enjoy
Step 5. Consider starting to date someone
One of the scariest things about learning that your ex is marrying someone else is having all kinds of doubts. You may even wonder if you can trust again or if you can still fall in love. Leave those doubts aside and start dating.
- Enjoy your new freedom! That doesn't mean you have to rush into a serious new relationship right away. In fact, you shouldn't be doing this. You might start to introduce yourself to that cute waitress you love to see.
- If you've felt betrayed and struggled to trust yourself enough to start a new relationship, take the time to work on your emotions and regain confidence.
Part 3 of 3: Manage your emotions
Step 1. Give yourself permission to grieve
Grief is a natural reaction to loss, especially if it is someone you love very much. Not only will you have lost your mate, but you might even have suddenly lost the common goals you had for the future. Feeling the pain of these losses is a necessary part of overcoming the situation. The sadness, resentment, relief, confusion, and fear you feel are also what you need to get over it.
- Share your feelings. Whether you do this with friends or with a therapist, it will be very beneficial for you to discuss what you are going through.
- Write a journal. Writing down your thoughts is a very effective way to release your emotions and focus more on yourself.
- Keep in mind that the pain will pass. Even if you feel deeply sad, your heart and mind will eventually move on. If you don't notice any improvement in your mood and emotions after a while, make an appointment with a qualified person to talk to you about your mental health.
Step 2. Learn to trust again
The fact that your ex is about to marry someone might shock you and make you feel betrayed. You may even wonder if you will be able to trust someone again and be reluctant to open up to another relationship. There are steps you can take, with the help of a therapist or even on your own, to heal these wounds and be prepared to be confident in the future.
- Consider working with a therapist to learn how to separate your fears of this betrayal from relationships you will have in the future. You will be able to find out what suggests that a potential partner is someone you can trust, for example, the fact that she keeps her promises and the way she reacts when you are vulnerable. Determine if she takes responsibility for her own mistakes and if she seems interested in understanding your wants, needs, and well-being.
- Being suspicious after a betrayal will only limit your social relationships with others, which may make you lose the opportunity to form meaningful relationships.
Step 3. Deal with negative thoughts
You may feel very strong emotions for a while. You may feel used, betrayed, or ashamed. Many people who have experienced an unexpected separation feel bad or even worthless. You may start to find yourself less attractive or less interesting, or even feel shocked, betrayed, and angry. It is normal that under these circumstances you have such negative thoughts. So avoid repressing them so as not to face them. It can be very difficult to deal with these emotions, but dealing with them will allow you to get over it and start to feel like yourself.
- First, take the time to sit down and identify the feelings you are having. Instead of turning away from what you are feeling, ask yourself the following question: What are the feelings or sensations that I have? What are the thoughts that drive me? What do I feel in my body (do I have pain in my chest, stomach, head, etc.)? Do I judge how I feel? Do I want to fight against these feelings?
- Allow yourself to feel your emotions. Although it is very painful, remember this: emotions cannot kill you. Breathe and ask yourself: what will happen if I am resting on what I am feeling? Is it so intolerable? How can I make things more tolerable (breathe deeply, meditate, relax, etc.)?
- Manage emotions. Recognize that all of these feelings you are having are directly related to your ex wanting to marry someone else. You may feel that you are not worthy of love, but not because it is true, but because you are reacting to a painful experience. Learn to challenge negative thoughts by seeing them from a different perspective and using evidence to disprove them.
- Suppose you thought you would never find another woman. Write down any evidence that proves otherwise. You have met other women that you have appreciated and even loved before you meet her. When you go to a cafe and look around you see dozens of interesting and attractive women. Also, there are billions of people on the planet and it's likely that at least one of them is someone you'd like to date.
Step 4. Focus on your newfound freedom
Sometimes even while being hidden behind these moments of sadness, you will hear a whisper of relief. You no longer have to wonder if this relationship would really work. Either way, she's already moved on, which may give you (or motivate) you to do the same.
Also, people usually don't recognize unhealthy relationships until it's all over. Do you remember that recurring problem you had that you never could solve? Well, now you won't have to worry about it
Step 5. Be honest with yourself
You may be trying to suppress all of your unwanted emotions and that lingering feeling of loneliness and abandonment. Sometimes you can make them forget or even be convinced that you are seeing the bright side. But other times, negativity will invade your mind and you will keep it. This is completely normal, feelings are what they are and they arise when you least expect them.
- Even if the situation was not traumatic and you and your ex had been on good terms most of the time while you were apart, the fact that she was probably happy with someone else won't leave. Your spirit. Of course, it will hurt you and it's okay for you to feel that way. In fact, it's even healthier to allow yourself to feel it instead of suppressing it or pretending everything is fine. Face your emotions and take actions that will help you feel better, such as talking to a friend or playing basketball.
- Watch out for recurring or worsening negativity. If you are in too much pain, see a therapist.
Step 6.Consult a mental health professional
The pain of separation is biologically significant in many ways. We are programmed to have a strong sense of attachment to those we are in love with. This partly explains the power of love. If your ex publicly declares his love to another person, of course, that would be very hurtful. So consider seeing a therapist if you can't get over it or if you start having persistent thoughts that bother you a lot.
- Therapists by their profession have spoken to many people who have been through all kinds of relationships and will know how to help you deal with certain thoughts as they arise.
- The healthcare professional can also help you begin to conceptualize your life in a healthier way, with a focus on your happiness and the bright future ahead.