It's hard enough to break up under normal circumstances, but if the person you want to leave is threatening to kill or hurt themselves, it can seem impossible. It is important that you understand that someone who threatens to kill themselves after a breakup is blackmailing you emotionally. You may feel guilty, scared, or angry about his threats, but you can (and should) break up anyway. There are several things you can do to reduce the risk that the person will harm themselves. Start by having an honest conversation with her. During the breakup process, pay attention to her safety and yours, and remember to take care of yourself psychologically.
Method 1 of 3: Talk to the person
Step 1. Say you care about it
Let the person know that they are still important to you, even if you leave them. Make sure she knows you don't want her to hurt herself.
- Say something like, “You still mean a lot to me and I'm sorry it's been so difficult for you. You can also say, "It hurts me to hear you say that you are going to hurt yourself." I still think you're a great person, even if our relationship isn't working out. "
- Be aware that the person may not believe you. Let her know what you're willing to do for her, but don't feel pressured to do something that makes you uncomfortable.
Step 2. Don't argue
Don't get caught up in an argument about the person's suicide cravings. If she thinks you aren't taking her seriously, she may be harming herself just to show you were wrong.
- For example, avoid saying something like, "You really won't do it" or "You just say it to make me feel bad." Instead, say, "I'm sorry you feel this way." "
- You can also avoid an argument by speaking in the first person. For example, say, “I am not happy in this relationship. If you say "You are making me miserable," the person may become defensive.
- Speak in a soft voice. Keep your arms and legs relaxed at the sides for open body language. If you speak up and use intimidating body language (like crossed arms or closed fists), you are more likely to have an argument.
Step 3. Don't give in
Make sure the person knows that you are not going to change their mind. Repeat the reason why you want to break up with her. Be as nice as possible, but be firm.
You can say something like, "I can't sacrifice my ambitions for this relationship, even though I think you're a great person and have a lot to give." "
Step 4. Don't accept responsibility
Remind the person that they are the ones who make their choices. Tell her that you can't decide whether she is going to kill herself or not. Don't let her blame you.
For example, she might tell you, “When I'm dead, it will be your fault. You can answer, "I don't want you to kill yourself." If you do, it will be your choice, not mine. I can't control what you do. "
Step 5. Give it autonomy
Let the person know that they are defined by more than just their relationship with you. Remind him of his talents, qualities and interests. Explain to her that she does not need someone else to define or complete her.
- For example, you can say, “I know it's hard to think about it now, but you're not just half of our relationship. You are going to study vet and do a lot of good things in your life. You will even end up being happy with someone else. "
- Remind her that other people care about her as well. Make a list of specific people who can support her after you break up.
Step 6. Help her find resources
Look for a drop-in number that your ex can call for psychological support. Encourage him to see a psychologist or psychiatrist and help him find contact details for mental health services in the area.
- In France, Suicide Écoute is available 7 days a week, 24 hours a day on 01 45 39 40 00. Calls are confidential and cost the price of a local call.
- If the person does not want to speak on the phone, they can write to the S.O.S Friendship messaging service to receive a response within 48 hours.
- You can also find a list of numbers outside of France on Wikipedia.
Method 2 of 3: Keep everyone safe
Step 1. Take the person seriously
Don't assume she's bluffing when she threatens to kill herself. It may be, but prevention is better than cure. Assume that she is serious and act on it.
- If she talks vaguely about killing herself, offer to take her to the emergency room or call a helpline on 01 45 39 40 00.
- Call a friend or family member to come and keep them company.
- Don't leave her unattended, but don't feel like you have to be the one to stay with her either. She should not believe that threats of suicide are the only way to get your attention.
Step 2. Call 911
If you think the person you are leaving might hurt themselves or someone else when you talk to them, call 15 immediately. Don't worry if you may have misinterpreted the situation.. Better always take precautions.
Try to know the exact address the person is at before you call 15, and don't let them know you are. In this way, the SAMU will be able to reach it as quickly as possible
Step 3. Notify his relatives
If you're worried about your ex's safety, make sure there's someone there who can take care of them after the breakup. Contact one or two of their family, friends or roommates and talk to them about your concerns. Ask them to be present in the house so that they can provide support after the breakup.
- Say something like, “I know it's not a pleasant subject, but I'm going to be leaving Emilie tonight. She threatens to hurt herself and I'm scared. Can you come so she has someone to support her once I'm gone? "
- Wait until these people have arrived before leaving to be sure the person will be safe.
- Choose people close to your future ex.
Step 4. Make yourself safe
When someone threatens to harm themselves, it can sometimes indicate that they have a more serious problem with violence. If you feel threatened at any point during your breakup, leave. If necessary, finish breaking up over the phone.
- If you know the person has been violent in the past, leave them by phone or in a public place.
- In a dangerous situation, always put your own safety first, even if you are afraid for the other person.
Method 3 of 3: Manage your emotions
Step 1. Think about the need for the breakup
If you feel that your willpower is weakening, remember that there is no benefit in staying in an unhealthy relationship. If you stay, you'll just feel stuck and miserable. Someone who tries to manipulate you by threatening to harm themselves will end up manipulating you in other ways.
Step 2. Don't feel responsible
Your partner puts you in a very tough emotional situation by threatening to kill themselves if they break up, but that doesn't mean you are responsible for their actions. Remember, it is a whole person who makes their own choices. You can't control them or do them for him.
If you feel guilty after the breakup, you can try seeing a psychologist
Step 3. Move on
After you end the relationship, move on and don't look back on the past. Avoid getting back together with your ex, even if you miss him. You both need time and space to recover from the breakup, and if you prolong the process, you will just have a harder time getting better.
- Remove the person from your social media contacts.
- Ask your mutual friends not to tell you about it.
- If you need to communicate with your ex, choose only one method of communication, such as email or text.
Step 4. Rely on your loved ones
You don't need to face this breakup alone. Ask your friends and family to help and support you. Ask them if they are ready to speak with you when you are feeling sad. If you are thinking about not breaking up or getting back with your ex, these people can convince you that breaking up is the best decision.