Your boyfriend doesn't want to understand that your story is over? You may have repeated it to him or her a few times, but he (she) keeps pretending that you are only talking in anger. This situation is very irritating and it is often even painful to face this refusal of reality. You probably don't want to hurt that person, but still be careful not to let your resentment boil and explode later and result in cruel words, spoken out of desperation. Learn to make it clear that you are ending the relationship.
Part 1 of 3: make the decision
Step 1. Ask for space
Distance yourself from your partner so that you can overcome your anger and be sure of your decision. You are probably angry or hurt, which makes you want to get away from that person you loved or still love, despite wanting to leave them. Your feelings are probably contradictory. If you are angry and have no choice but to see this person, it could lead to a fit of anger. It could also lead to bickering and arguing, which will end anything that is positive in this relationship.
- Tell her that you are not happy in this relationship and that you need room to think things through and calm your anger. You may need to adopt a firm tone for your request to be heard. Insist on the other party to respect you enough to give you the time you need to think.
- Don't ask for a week to think it over, only to come back to see your boyfriend the next day. Take your distance completely. Don't call, text, or answer calls. Don't see it or if you have no other choice, don't give it too much time. Dedicate this time to yourself, even if you miss the person.
- If you miss her too much, try to take a step back. List the good points and bad points of the relationship. List what you are looking for in a relationship. Write down everything you like and dislike about your companion. Talk to your friends, go out, and don't change your love status on Facebook until you are certain of your decision.
Step 2. Determine what is wrong with the relationship
This will help you be absolutely sure of yourself when you tell your partner that you are leaving him or her. It will also prevent you from giving in if your ex begs you for another chance. Most importantly, it will help you be clear about what you have to say and make the person understand better that you really want to end your story. Consider the following points.
- Have you asked Him to change behaviors that hurt or upset you? Did this person ignore your requests? Did you offer her a reasonable solution that she didn't even try to implement? In this case, your partner disrespected you and proved to you that she had no intention of making an effort.
- Do you feel like your limits are constantly being violated? Do you constantly feel bitterness, because you are constantly giving in, just for the sake of peace? This is not a relationship: this person is taking advantage of you!
- Do you feel suffocated or suffocated because this person is clingy, following you, watching you, or acting like they can't trust you? Do you feel like you can't spend time with your friends or other people for fear of upsetting your boyfriend or girlfriend? Can you spend a moment alone, without your partner barging in? It's impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who is clingy, jealous, or can't trust. If she doesn't do what it takes to overcome her trust issues, she'll ruin any relationship.
- Do you feel like he / she is taking advantage of you? Did he promise to change, only to refuse to make the slightest effort? In this case, you will probably find that it is a repeating pattern and that this person is using you.
- Do you take care of yourself, your own needs? Or is it just for him (her), all the time? Are you changing who you are, to meet their needs and preferences? If so, know that it is not healthy and that you will not be able to reach your full potential this way.
Step 3. Decide to give it a second chance… or not
It will mostly depend on why you wanted to end the story. If you've already given your partner plenty of opportunities to change, don't give in once more. However, if you think you need to give your relationship a chance to make sure you've done the best you can, do it. You agreed to be with this person and you probably had good reasons for it. Trust the decision you made and respect the person you chose. Give it a second chance if it hasn't already been done. It is possible that while you took your distance to think, your partner took the opportunity to think too. Perhaps this enabled him to realize his wrongs and make the decision to change his behavior. If your desire to break up isn't for some insurmountable reason, try again. Respect your original choice and give your lover a chance to improve.
Part 2 of 3: Really End the Story
Step 1. Make sure you've got over your anger
If you are angry, you will have a hard time breaking up firmly, but gently. Also, avoid letting your emotions dictate the breakup at all costs, as your partner could easily persuade you not to leave him. After you distance yourself, you might even wait to forgive him. Try to understand the situation from his perspective. Think about how much you like (or liked) him. Understand that this rupture will also make him (her) suffer and maybe even more than yourself.
That said, don't let the guilt make you change your mind. If you want to break up and don't see a future in your story, don't let the guilt of hurting her hurt you more. You will need to do what is best for you first
Step 2. Talk to your partner about what led to the breakup
Talk about the issues, not your ex-partner's personality. Let her know why you think the relationship is not working anymore. If you still love her, tell her, it will ease her pain, but be honest. You leave it and therefore you no longer have any reason to hold your tongue. Tell her the truth about why you weren't happy as a couple. Perhaps the person will be able to learn a lesson from this that will be useful in their future relationships.
Step 3. Firmly confirm the break
It is essential to make it clear to your ex that your story is now over. Tell her nicely, preferably right after the conversation, but be firm. Tell him that there is no more hope and that it is all over. Whatever you say, say it clearly and make it clear that your decision is well thought out. It's not a decision made on a whim, you've thought about it and it will help your partner understand that you won't change your mind. See the following example.
“I've thought about the possibility of staying together and I really don't see any future for us. I can't find any common interest for us, I can't see us following the same path. I thought about it a lot because you are important to me. I think we are not compatible enough to stay as a couple together. "
Step 4. Prepare for the different possible responses to your ad
You may find yourself facing one of the following situations.
- The person bursts into tears. This situation is difficult and you will be able to hug your ex, but be careful not to be too intimate. Don't give in: tears are cathartic and a great way to release the pressure. This reaction is therefore quite healthy, although it seems terrible at the time. Reassure her and tell her that everything will be fine!
- Your ex might get angry, yell, and insult you. Stay calm and focus on the reasons for the breakup. Say something like "I'm sorry you take it so badly, I know it's not easy, but you and me it's over" or "I understand that you're angry, but anger will not fix what is already broken”. In some cases, it may even be better to say nothing more than "We'll talk about this when you calm down." We can't decide anything when you're so angry. "
- He (she) might express relief. This reaction might surprise you, but a lot of people feel when the breakup approaches, they feel it, they know it's going to happen, especially if the other party has asked for time to think it over. And during this time, she may also have come to the conclusion that it is not worth continuing this relationship, without wanting to take the initiative to break up. Don't be disappointed at his relief: this outcome is probably the best for both of you.
Step 5. If necessary, repeat the reasons for the breakage
The person might need to hear them again, after the tears, shock, or anger. This is completely normal and will reinforce the message, leaving no room for doubt. Be polite and considerate, as you should be around anyone else. You have no reason to be mean or angry and every reason to be gentle and caring. A breakup is a difficult ordeal. This does not prevent, however, that this step is essential and that you will have to go through it.
The person you are talking to might repeat over and over again "I don't understand why you are doing this to me". Just tell her that your goal isn't to hurt her and that you've just realized that you don't want to pursue a relationship that isn't right for you, that you don't feel compatible with her. Help him (her) to understand that the act is not directed against him personally, that he remains someone incredible, who deserves to live a beautiful story with someone who corresponds to him perfectly
Part 3 of 3: stay apart
Step 1. Move on
Here is the most difficult. Don't stay in touch with your ex-partner for anything other than asking them to return your things or get theirs. Do not contact him by social networks, email or phone. Here are different aspects to take into account.
- If the person keeps texting you, emails, messages, little notes, don't answer them. You would only risk giving him hope that your story would resume.
- If he's trying to go through your friends, family, or someone else to get closer to you, firmly tell the go-between that you wish your ex all the best, but the romantic relationship is definitely over and that you will appreciate that people do not interfere in your personal problems.
- If children are involved, communicate only about their needs. Continue to see your children or share custody of them, without entering into discussions about the love life you have shared. Don't use your children as messengers between yourself and your ex, and don't allow their second parent to do so!
Step 2. Be nice to your ex
Send him his things or let him come and collect them, without any nastiness. You liked this person and you have no reason to break their vinyl collection or tear up all of their photos. If the relationship was violent or unfaithful to you, quickly get rid of things that remind you of your ex, without overdoing it (a calm ritual could do you good): keep in mind that this is your karma too, and if burning all of your ex's things could give you relief in the moment, you would actually only fuel your anger. Let go of your anger and treat your ex-partner like a human being and let him go on with his life without you. And above all, if you do not break his business, do not empty his bank account and do not take anything he cares about, your ex will have all the less reason to come and bother you or even worse, to sue you, this which would require you to be in contact with him. Because yes, you might be surprised to learn that suing her is a good way to stay in touch with an ex, even if that contact is just anger. To regain your freedom: move on!
Step 3. If necessary, ask other people to intervene
If your ex keeps calling and contacting you, you may need to ask those around you for help. Ask your friends and relatives to let your ex know that you will no longer respond to them and that you have indeed left them for good. Third party intervention might help your ex figure out that your story is really over. It may seem hard to you, but realize that you've already done your best to end your relationship with this person.
Step 4. Realize that you might be feeling weary and shocked for a while
Even after you think it through carefully, being single after being in a relationship for a long time is a big change in your life and you will need some time to get used to it. Allow yourself to grieve. The story is over, but the memories will still be a part of who you were at that time in your life. You have the right to cry, to have a calm goodbye ritual (without anger), and to feel sad. This is all normal. Blow! You are free now.
- If the person bothers you even after you confirm the breakup, don't call them, don't text them, don't contact them. Don't let her convince you to return to the relationship.
- Once you've come to terms with the past relationship, you can start looking to meet someone else. Before you get there, you will need to take the time to work on the points that still make you suffer and that continue to haunt you, so that you do not repeat the cycle and do not re-engage in a relationship of the same type., which will take you to the same end. By allowing yourself time, avoiding engaging too quickly with someone else, and focusing on your friendships, you'll know when it's time to start dating new people again. Until then, enjoy your freedom to evolve, grow and become a wiser person. Rediscover who you were before your last relationship took over and changed you.