No one has claimed that it's easy to forgive someone who has hurt you, but that doesn't mean you should avoid all forms of hardship and only take the step when you feel ready. You may not be able to forgive and forget, but actually being able to forgive someone who has hurt you can help you feel better and make your relationship better. And if you'd rather stay selfish, know that forgiving someone for hurting you has been proven to reduce stress, you won't be doing anyone but yourself the favor by doing so..
Part 1 of 3: Changing your outlook
Step 1. Get rid of your resentment
If you really want to be able to forgive someone who has hurt you, the first thing to do is let go of your resentment. Obviously this is much easier said than done, but if you blame the person for the harm they have caused you you will never be able to move forward either in your life or in your life. your relationship. Find a way to come to terms with what the person has done wrong and release that feeling into the air like a bird leaving its cage.
- Accept the situation. You can't (and shouldn't) control the other person, but you can control your behavior. Just accept what the other person has done.
- Everybody makes mistakes. No you are not God, you are not perfect and you also make mistakes and sometimes you do things that other people don't like. Thinking about the mistakes you make will make it easier for you to accept the clumsiness of others.
- You certainly won't get there overnight, but as you go about it, it will gradually become natural and you don't need to think about it anymore.
Step 2. See things at scale
When you are on the path to forgiveness, take a step back and reflect on the reality of the pain caused. Is it really unforgivable or is it something that you will forget in a month, only you know. If you've been deeply betrayed or wronged, you're likely going to be upset for quite a while. But if the incident doesn't have much of an impact on your future, relationship, or life with that person, it probably means that you are ready to forgive even if you are angry at the time.
Think about how much positive there is in your relationship with this person. Does the positive outweigh the negative? If so, then it's time to forgive him. If it is an infidelity, you can decide whether or not to forgive. An accident happens, but if the person starts again, you should make the right decision …
Step 3. Think about the positive sides of your relationship
If this is a problem with your boyfriend (or girlfriend), think about all the good times you have together. Remember the interesting conversations you have at night on the couch. To movies you've seen together, to dining out, to clubs. Make a list of all the positives in your relationship and then write down the negatives. Then compare the result and make the appropriate decision and don't go back.
Start by writing down details like (he takes the dog out every night, he empties the trash cans…) then move on to deeper things (the passions you share, the goals you have in life)
Step 4. Talk to someone
If you are deeply hurt and angry about what has happened to you, talking to someone about it can help you get some great advice. Instead of spending your time thinking about it and isolating yourself, talking about it to another person can help you be more objective and feel less alone. You will also get valuable tips that will help you better understand the situation and know what to do next.
You don't have to tell everyone about it, you would have too many different opinions. Only tell your best friends (girlfriends) or close family members
Step 5. Take time
Another forgiving tip is to take the time to be alone with your thoughts. If someone has really hurt you, whether it's because you've been cheated on or your best friend said hurtful things behind your back, it's important to take time to distance yourself, to spend time. time with yourself and just stand back from the person who has wronged you. It's probably not a good idea to spend your time with the person who hurt you if you really want to forgive them.
If you are living with the person who hurt you, then you had better leave that place for a while if possible. If you don't live together, make it clear that you need to distance yourself for a while and that you will contact each other when the time comes. Don't force yourself to forgive prematurely or it will make your relationship more difficult in the long run
Part 2 of 3: talk to the person
Step 1. Think before you speak
Once you're ready to talk to the person who hurt you, think about how to start the conversation and what you want to bring up. While you will likely be resentful, angry, hurt, or confused, you will need to find a way to put things delicately rather than exploding or saying things that are beyond you just to provoke an argument. Stay calm, take a deep breath, and try to be as reasonable as possible when you start the conversation, you probably don't want to end it with an apology.
- Before saying anything, ask yourself how it will be perceived and how you will express it. You can choose to either start by saying how you feel or let the other person speak and explain what happened. Remember that you are in control, because you are the one who will forgive, but you still need to be open-minded.
- Take note of the points you want to talk about and do not hesitate to rehearse in front of a mirror to prepare for the dialogue.
Step 2. Say what you feel
Once you feel ready to talk and are in control, let the other person know how much what they've done has affected you. Discuss sincerely and express your grief without overdoing it. Open your heart to show the person that they've really hurt you and that you've had to go through tough times to put up with it. Use eye contact and speak slowly to show that you really mean what you are saying. Don't be afraid to open your heart, now is or never. Here are some examples of how to start the conversation.
- When I found out that you had cheated on me, I was deeply hurt. I stayed true to you and was so dedicated to our relationship. I thought you were feeling the same.
- I was so angry when I heard you were talking behind my back. I wonder why you said such hurtful things and what I did to deserve it.
Step 3. Listen to his side of the story, this is not a monologue
Remember that you are here to have a conversation and to listen to the other person. Maybe things will be so clear that the person won't be able to say anything to defend themselves, but this will rarely be the case. Let the person speak without interrupting and try to see the situation through their perspective.
- You might be tempted to step in to clarify something or correct the other person, but it's best to save that for last.
- Remember that the goal is not for you to be combative or to provoke an argument, but to have a positive and natural conversation that will improve your relationship.
- Maintain eye contact, move your phone away, and really take the time to listen to the other person before intervening. Ask questions to clarify your doubts, and sometimes repeat what the other person is saying to make sure you understand and confirm that you are listening carefully.
Step 4. Show compassion
Compassion is probably the last thing you want to show when you've been deeply hurt. However if you put yourself in the other person's shoes and think about how they must be feeling then you won't be so angry deep inside yourself. At worst, you'll feel sorry for the person who doesn't have to be so well for being able to hurt you so badly. No matter what happened, it shouldn't have happened if everything was going well in this person's life.
Benevolence and compassion are linked. You will not be able to forgive someone without showing compassion
Part 3 of 3: moving forward
Step 1. Isolate yourself for a while if you feel the need
If you want to start the process of getting back to a normal relationship with someone, then you need to know if you need to distance yourself before that. If so, there is no shame in saying that you need a few weeks or a few months or that you need to be alone until you are ready to spend more time together.. Express it clearly so that the other person doesn't try to continue your relationship like nothing has happened when you don't feel ready at all.
Be sincere. Say something like, "I'm not mad at you anymore, but I'm not ready to hang out yet." I hope you understand. "
Step 2. Work your relationship out little by little
Once you are ready to move on with that person, then you can gradually resume the relationship. Don't pretend you're the best friends in the world and start the same relationship as before, but spend some time together until you get back to your ways. You can spend time in groups or do fun things together before doing more intimate or personal things like before.
- If it's a romantic relationship, act like it's the first time you've met. You don't have to hold hands like before or show there's something between you if you're not ready.
- Don't expect you to be completely forgiven for what happened when you go back to spending time together, but keep in mind that things will work out eventually.
Step 3. Don't dwell on the past
If you feel that getting back with the person can work then you should avoid dwelling on the past as much as possible, whether it's how you were upset or your relationship in general. If you really want to move forward, you have to forget what your relationship was like before and not dwell on it. Whenever these thoughts surface, it's in your best interest to push them away.
When you realize that you are thinking about the past, focus on the present moment. It won't be easy at first, but try to make it a habit
Step 4. Decide if you can trust the person
Be honest with yourself. In some cases, it is not possible to truly forgive or trust the person. If it is a relationship, you need to make sure that you are truly ready to forgive and that what the other person has done will not have irreparable consequences in the medium to long term. If you think, for example, that your partner is going to do it again or if he (or she) has already done it, it may be better to end the relationship rather than to slip gradually into a vicious cycle where you will never be respected.
If you think that it is not possible to continue in this sentimental relationship, you must end as soon as possible. Continuing to see yourself platonically or not hoping things will work out won't help you in any way and you run the risk of suffering more and more and entering a bottomless spiral of negativity
Step 5. Forgive
In order to forgive and move forward, you must begin by forgiving yourself and loving yourself. Accept yourself for who you are and don't beat yourself up. You are definitely harder on yourself than others, but never think that the other person hurt you because you were too harsh on them.
Love yourself and relax. If needed, don't hesitate to read books on self-esteem and self-esteem. Remember that you did everything you could to make the relationship work and never think that you are to blame
- Listen to what they have to say, think about it, THEN decide if they deserve forgiveness.
- Slowly rebuild the relationship, especially when the trust has been broken.
- Don't let them force you to forgive them, you choose.
- Once you've forgiven, don't talk about it again, forget it and move on.
- Sometimes it is difficult to forgive someone who has hurt you. Draw the strength within yourself to achieve forgiveness.
- Find a way to express your feelings, whether it's drawing, writing, or exercising.
- Talking to someone you trust about your situation can help you get a clearer picture of what you want to do next.