A lot of people argue night after night with their partner. They wish to end the relationship in order to have a better life with another person. Of course, the more they argue, the more difficult it is for them to see and appreciate the qualities of their spouse. Often, one of the partners becomes discouraged and has a feeling of hopelessness when thinking about the survival of the marriage. To break this deadlock, you must change your behavior, collaborate with each other, and learn to forgive.
Part 1 of 3: change your behavior
Step 1. Stop criticizing
Instead of criticizing your partner, telling them what you don't like about them, replace their flaws with memories. Let him know how you feel when he behaves badly, for example by telling him that you feel anxious, embarrassed, abandoned. When someone knows precisely what is wrong with their behavior (and is told, they probably feel the same way), they will try to change that behavior.
- Please share your opinion with respect, avoid sarcasm or being angry. You should express your point of view calmly and respectfully.
- You should take a step back from the relationship and tell yourself that your spouse is not perfect. There are good sides to it that make you wholeheartedly embrace her way of being, even if small details irritate you.
- When you feel a bad thought coming to your mind, drive it away and redirect your thoughts to accepting your loved one.
Step 2. Look for the bright side
To stop criticizing your partner, you need to look at their good sides. Be positive. Whenever you think about his flaws, replace them with what you admire about him and reward him for the effort he puts in. This allows you to develop new habits and keep them going.
Reward him with little things, like gifting him a piece of chocolate, following an episode of a series he enjoys, or choosing a weekend to do a monotonous task with him
Step 3. Be tender
One of the most expressive forms of communication and attention is physical affection. Studies have shown that students feel more motivated even when they receive a little encouragement from their teachers. Likewise, a massage from your loved one can help calm your depression and provide relief. Both physical and verbal affection mean more than just words and it can help save your marriage.
- Do simple things like pat your partner on the shoulder when they're doing a good job, or give them a little kiss on the forehead or hug them.
- Simple compliments can also reflect your affection. Try to show him your joy every time he does something for you.
Step 4. Be considerate
It is very important to give your partner your full attention to value him. If you're in the habit of watching TV, looking around, or checking emails, or doing other things while he's talking to you, know that you don't pay him any attention. Instead of behaving like this, watch him as he speaks.
- Pay attention when he shares something with you.
- Thank him when he inspires or flatters you, because it shows that you are listening to him.
- Give him a gift that he mentioned to you during a discussion.
Step 5. Listen to your spouse
Just as important to showing your attention to someone is having a listening ear. This involves listening to your interlocutor speak without interrupting them and then giving your point of view, necessarily with the aim of solving a problem. Share what he tells you by telling him about an experience similar to his that you had.
Make eye contact when your partner talks to you or tell them to make eye contact with you when you talk
Step 6. Recognize the new attitudes of your spouse
If you've been married for a long time, it's possible that the two of you have changed over time, especially if you have children. Take time to get to know yourself again. Ask your partner what he likes and what he dislikes. If he's not sure what he likes, invite him to a place like a restaurant to discuss it.
Make an effort to give him whatever you think he likes, such as gifts, a romantic night out at home, or going out
Step 7. Be nice
Learn to be kind to each other. You could try to preserve the moments the two of you spent by recording them on a medium to relive your bickering. You can make a list of what bothers you, while also specifying a few solutions. Choose to respond to 10 things that bother you about him differently each time.
- You can also be kind by doing a favor, like cooking for him, helping him with a project, or surprising him with things he loves.
- Don't be harsh or critical.
Step 8. Ask him what you need
If you change your attitudes without letting your partner know, you might have so much hope that they will change without their knowing the reason. Talk to him about your determination to save your marriage and ask him what he wants you to do as a wife.
If you were pushing your desires to put your own first, try to change that habit and achieve your desires before you think about others
Part 2 of 3: doing things together
Step 1. Act like you're starting out on a date for the first time
By wanting to get to know your husband again (if you've been together for a long time), you might pretend you're in a new relationship. Plan a date and ask her simple questions. You might be surprised to learn that her favorite color has changed or her favorite food has never been spaghetti.
- If you have children who need a babysitter, don't be afraid to hire one.
- You can choose to schedule these times once a week, so that your dates stick, even if you both have a busy schedule.
Step 2. Do new things together
It is important that you do new things if you are going to save your marriage. Discover places you have never visited before, especially a place where one of you has always wanted to visit. Try doing new activities in your city or visiting other cities or countries. Defining new habits with a romantic touch can bring love back to life.
You can surprise your partner with something he always wanted to do
Step 3. Recall old memories
Think about your first encounters where you didn't criticize him and accept him as he was. Discuss your first date, your favorite dates, how beautiful your wedding was, and think about all the times you held hands and did fun things together. Connecting your memories to your feelings can make you relive those emotions.
Step 4. Do things you haven't done a long time ago
When you remembered the beginnings of your relationship, you had to think about the things that you had done together but stopped doing because you were both busy. Make us your first romantic date or meet some friends you haven't seen together for a while.
Doing things that you used to do when you loved your spouse dearly can help you relive that love
Part 3 of 3: Learn to forgive
Step 1. Write down the things that make you angry
You may have stopped loving your husband because of something he did that made you deeply angry. The only way to reconnect with your partner after they've pissed you off is to forgive them. Start by writing down the things he did that made you upset.
- It could be very serious like an affair or betrayal or a bundle of little things like ignoring you, lying to you etc.
- Jotting down these things will help you see your ideas clearly and organize them so that you don't think about them anymore.
Step 2. Write down all the suffering he has inflicted on you
The same things that got on your nerves probably hurt you, but you can be hurt without being upset. Make another list of all the things you think your partner did (or didn't do) that hurt you. You can tell yourself that something has hurt you if your heart is full of emotions when you think about it.
Also, it could be more serious things (like betrayal) or it could be a collection of small things like forgetting a birthday or not helping yourself around the house
Step 3. Be more tolerant
Now that you have your lists, it's time to let go of your anger, hurt, and pain by forgiving your husband. This is often an ongoing process (and it can make you cry a lot) and you may need to enlist the help of someone you trust or a therapist to help you.
There could be a lot of reasons why you took a long time to forgive, and studying those reasons can help ease your anger
Step 4. Ask your partner to make lists about you as well
It is possible that your partner finds you a lot of flaws, just as you find them. You don't need to ask her to forgive you at this point, just show her the things that made your marriage difficult.
Step 5. Ask Him to forgive you
Apologize for the things he wrote down on his lists and ask him to forgive you. Repentance means breaking your old ways so that you promise not to do the things that hurt or upset your spouse again.
This does not mean that you will be able to stop these behaviors that you used to have and neither will your spouse overnight. You must forgive each other at this stage
- If your partner does not want to rekindle the flame in your relationship after you have explained to him that you are in pain, you need to sit him down and make your feelings clear to him. If you suspect him of committing adultery and he has no remorse, consider seeing a counselor.
- If your partner is not responding favorably to your efforts to revive your relationship, seek outside help, such as a counselor, therapist, or family member.