Anger is a very normal emotion in humans. It can even be useful, for example when you want to assert yourself or protect yourself. However, this emotion has many negative aspects and can affect your relationships. Staying calm and not getting angry with someone, even if you think your anger is justified, can improve your relationships.
Part 1 of 3: Avoid anger and resentment
Step 1. Find out the real source of your discontent
If you tend to be angry and in a bad mood, you might end up resenting someone unnecessarily. Embracing your anger at someone is not a healthy way to deal with emotions or relationships. To avoid making this mistake, try doing the following.
- Ask yourself this question: what is it that really bothers me? Then ask yourself the following question: What's the worst thing about this situation?
- Think about why you feel the need to let go of your anger this way (for example, if you think you can't handle a difficult work situation, you may be able to express your anger on someone at home).
- Write down all the things that stress you out or make you react badly.
- Try to deal with each stressor or inconvenience separately, rather than grouping them together in one block.
- Apologize to someone if you've been hard on them when they have nothing to be ashamed of.
Try saying something like this, I really regret getting mad at you for dinner. I'm a bit overworked and unable to handle stress, but it's not your fault. How can I catch up?
Step 2. Let go of your resentments
Holding on to old grudges is a common reason to feel angry with someone. Resentments are not a healthy feeling, so moving forward has to be done. Try the following to get over these emotions.
- Recognize that your resentments are of no use.
- Realize that this feeling cannot change the past.
- Accept the fact that you cannot control the actions or feelings of others.
- If you can, forgive people, or if you don't feel able, try to forget what happened.
Step 3. Find out if you have any unspoken expectations
You may be mad at someone for not acting the way you expected. However, he may not have a clue! If you think someone is not meeting your expectations, try to tell them and understand if your expectations are reasonable.
For example, you may be angry with a coworker who never participates in the coffee dues, but drinks coffee every day. Maybe he doesn't realize he should pay his share of the dues, or maybe he has a sick son and a lot of medical bills to pay. By expressing your expectations in a conversation instead of getting angry, you can also strengthen your relationship
Step 4. Put yourself in the other's shoes
Trying to really understand people's point of view is another effective way to avoid getting angry. As you get to know someone better and think about why they might act a certain way, you can empathize with them. Usually, compassion can help overcome anger and discontent.
Step 5. Practice gratitude
Try to imagine your life without the person you are trying not to be mad at, especially a loved one. Think about all the things she brings to your life and thank her for everything she does. To learn how to express your gratitude, try keeping a gratitude journal.
Step 6. Think before you speak
Hunger, anger, loneliness and fatigue are all factors that can influence your state of mind. When you are angry, try to take a break to determine if you are feeling any of these things before verbally attacking another person. This anger management approach is very often used in recovery programs.
For example, if you're angry with your partner for coming home late, think about yourself before expressing your anger. Find out if you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, and see if these factors are influencing your emotions. Eat something and relax on the couch for a few minutes, then ask her why she came home late
Part 2 of 3: Communicate with Confidence
Step 1. Identify the different modes of communication
There are three main ways of expressing emotions (anger in particular), including passive, aggressive, and bossy communication. By learning to use assertive communication, you will be able to communicate with others in a healthier way.
- When a person takes the passive approach, they gradually get angry about something without addressing the problem or facing the situation. Often times, this approach can lead to covert revenge or other negative behaviors (called passive aggressive behavior).
- If you take the aggressive approach, you can get so angry that you have a fit of anger that, from an external perspective, may seem like overreacting to the situation. Outbursts of aggression can also be associated with violence.
- Assertive communication is a healthy and respectful way of dealing with people and dealing with situations that make you angry.
Step 2. Emphasize the needs of both parties
To communicate confidently, you need to recognize the importance of your own needs and those of others. This is a way to stop drawing attention to yourself and show the other person that you are sensitive to their needs.
For example, if you are about to get upset with your partner for not bringing dinner home, start the conversation by saying: I know you have a lot of burdens on you. recognizing their needs). Then continue: I have a lot of stuff to do too and when you forget to buy something to eat at night, it ruins all my plans
Step 3. Communicate with respect
Saying please or thank you during a conversation is a way of showing respect to the other person. Treat the other person with respect and recognize that they also have a point of view.
For example, instead of getting mad at your partner right away for not having dinner when they get home from work, you could ask them something like this, do you have another plan? Maybe he has another idea. Even if it's an oversight, asking her out of curiosity if she has another plan is better than telling her as soon as she walks in the door where's the dinner you should bring
Step 4. State your requests clearly and precisely
Remember to consider the actions to be taken by the other person as an invitation, not an obligation. This will help you to better formulate your requests. You need to be specific and try to stick to the real facts.
For example, you could say, I know you just came back, but would you like to go pay for dinner so we can all eat together at home?
Step 5. Express your feelings
While you should stick to the facts, you should also explain how it feels when you can't help but be angry. Use expressions such as I am or that makes me feel to keep the other person from becoming defensive.
For example, you might say, I'm very disappointed you didn't buy dinner. I am now forced to find another solution on my own. I feel pressured to do everything perfectly all the time and it stresses me out
Step 6. Find a solution to the problem
Ideally, you should work with the person to whom you are expressing your feelings so that you can find a solution to the problem that is making you nervous. Unfortunately, you cannot control the behavior of others and sometimes you will have to seek a solution yourself.
For example, you can ask your partner what she suggests to solve the problem. You can suggest that she go to a restaurant. She might willingly agree to go out again to buy something to eat or take care of the children or clean the house while you go get something to eat. Or she could cook. There are many solutions to this problem, but the important thing is to find one that works for everyone
Part 3 of 3: venting your anger
Step 1. Take a break
If you feel like you are upset with someone, take a little break to calm down and rearrange your thoughts. By taking back control of your emotions before talking to someone you will get angry with, you are more likely to avoid conflict.
Step 2. Breathe deeply
Breathing deeply can help you calm down and prevent you from getting angry. In order to relax as much as possible with this breathing technique, you need to breathe deeply through the abdomen. Place one hand on the diaphragm (between your stomach and chest) and breathe in deeply so that your hand moves as your stomach begins to expand. Then breathe out slowly.
Focus on your breathing, while inhaling and exhaling 8 or 10 times or until you feel like you have regained control of your emotions
Step 3. Redirect your anger to something productive
It is inappropriate to take your anger out on someone else, but it can be helpful to redirect your feelings to an activity, such as cleaning the house, playing sports, or tackling anything on your to-do list. do that long ago. You can get rid of negative energies by doing something productive!
Step 4. Take care of yourself
You will feel better if you take the time to do something good for yourself, get enough sleep, exercise, and maintain a healthy diet. Often times, if you are feeling better, it means that you can control your emotions better, which will help you communicate more effectively (and more kindly) with others. Also, if you don't take care of yourself, you might start to hold a grudge against people who, in your view, are preventing you from enjoying your fun times.
- To feel good, both physically and emotionally, you should get 7-8 hours of sleep per night.
- Try to get 20 to 30 minutes of physical activity each day. If you can't exercise every day, try to exercise at least 3-4 times a week.
- Include whole grains, fruits, vegetables, and protein in your diet. Even healthy fats can make you feel fuller that lasts longer. In addition, do not eat foods that are very fatty or have undergone too many transformations. Often, they are poor in nutrients and do not fill you up.
Step 5. Listen to relaxing music
Relaxing while listening to your favorite songs can calm you down and put you in a good mood. Listening to music has been shown to make us feel certain emotions, and remind us of memories. It can help calm you down when you are angry or agitated, even if you don't know the source of the emotional turmoil. Classical music and jazz are especially good at calming the mind, but you should find the genre of music that works for you.
Step 6. Think positively
You can calm your anger by trying to focus more clearly on your positive thoughts. Close your eyes, drive away all the negative thoughts that come through your head, and think of at least three positive things.
- Positive thoughts can be favorable aspects of a situation that concerns you, or simply thoughts about something that you are looking forward to or that makes you happy.
- Here are some formulas for positive thoughts:
- it will pass,
- I'm strong enough to handle this,
- difficult situations give me the opportunity to flourish,
- I won't get angry forever. This anger that drives me is just fleeting.