Many people go out of their way to build a long-term relationship, but they don't know what to do to maintain their love and enthusiasm once the relationship is established. We often come up against the practical implications of our lives (earning money, raising children, etc.), factors that can hamper the ability to stay focused on the happiness and love we feel for our partner. Fortunately, with a little time and effort, you can still rekindle the flame between you and your spouse.
Part 1 of 5: Communicate with your partner
Step 1. State your needs clearly
Don't assume that just because you've known each other for a long time, your partner will be able to read your mind. If you are feeling frustrated that you feel that she is unable to meet your needs or expectations, try having a conversation with her to explain in detail what you need.
- For example, you may feel like she doesn't like you because she doesn't openly tell you. Chances are she's grateful and notices everything you do, but she doesn't express it verbally. If this is your case, say something like this, "Sometimes I don't think you like me. It would help me feel better if you verbally acknowledged my efforts and thanked me for it. "
- Another example could concern physical attraction in your relationship: perhaps it seems to you that your wife is no longer attracted to you because she hardly takes the initiative to have an intimate relationship with you.. Even then, it would be best to let her know how you are feeling, explaining to her what you would like her to do otherwise.
Step 2. Ask him about his needs
When discussing your emotional needs, remember to be willing to listen to hers. If your husband tends to be shy when it comes to revealing his feelings, you may need to help him find the right words to externalize his needs. Be patient and understand that his response may take time. If it takes time to think it over, be sure to pick up on the topic later. In the next conversation, listen carefully to him, trying to really understand what he wants to say to you.
Step 3. Be more sensitive to your wife's needs
After you have shared each other's needs, you should both try to meet them as much as possible by taking concrete action. You can even invite your partner to work together on an "action plan" that will help you meet each other's needs.
- For example, if your partner wants you to openly express your appreciation for her efforts, you can set a reminder on your phone to give her a compliment a few times a week.
- You can say this: “Thank you for planning and organizing our next vacation. I know you worked hard to make sure everything was going well for the whole family, "or," It means a lot to me that you got up and made me breakfast before I left for work this morning. The little things you do really make my life easier”.
- If your wife has expressed a wish that you would take the initiative to establish an intimate relationship more often, try to satisfy her. Sometimes a little more romance can work wonders in a relationship. Don't underestimate your ability to pleasantly surprise her.
Step 4. Stay positive
Excessive negativity can hurt any couple, but is especially damaging in long-standing romantic relationships. Communicating calmly and positively, keeping as optimistic an outlook on life as possible, will help you have a happy relationship.
Step 5. Manage any conflicts that arise
It is almost impossible to avoid arguments in couples and sometimes avoiding them will not improve the situation. Instead of avoiding all the forms of conflict that arise in your relationship, learn to control them. If you feel like you can't fix a problem right away, don't push yourself. “Avoid” the argument for a moment, then find a good time to resolve it later.
If you disagree on how you handle quarrels (for example, you want to talk about it and resolve the issue immediately and your wife would like to take a step back to calm down), you need to try to compromise. Discuss how to best handle your upcoming quarrels, respecting everyone's preferences
Step 6. Have more general conversations
Often times, at the start of a relationship, couples tend to discuss important topics, which can have a real impact on their current and future lives, including their dreams and ambitions. However, after spending a lot of time side by side, discussions may start to focus on much more mundane things, like who will go to the dry cleaners or who will drive the kids to the football club. Take the time to discuss serious issues with your partner again, including your goals and your life: doing so will help you feel more intimate.
Part 2 of 5: Spend Quality Time Together
Step 1. Plan to spend time together
It might seem odd to plan a romantic date with your partner, but it's important that your relationship remains a priority. Sometimes the only way to do this is to intentionally fit it into your schedule. Invite your partner on a date and take care of all the necessary details (reservations, babysitting, transportation, etc.) to make sure there are no obstacles.
Try to turn this initiative into a routine. For example, plan a romantic outing every Saturday night. It gives you and your partner the opportunity to get closer and talk about everything that has happened over the past week
Step 2. Take care of your appearance on dates
If you've been together for a long time, chances are your wife has seen all of you, the best and the worst. While it's impractical (and maybe unnecessary) to look your best every time you're together, it can be important to try and take care of your appearance before your romantic date. Think back to the first few times you dated and spend a little more time preparing to impress your partner.
Step 3. Take the time to have fun
Games and laughter create a strong bond and strengthen relationships. Find the time to devote yourself to activities that make you happy with your partner. Thus, it is very likely that you will feel closer to her and vice versa. Look for something new and fun to do together, or find time to go out and have fun.
Explore new activities such as sports, zip lining, obstacle courses, mini golf, video games, board or card games, sporting events and much more
Step 4. Hold hands
Get back to the basics of the relationship with small gestures of affection like holding your hand. Most likely, on your first dates, you did your best to maintain that physical contact. So why are you not doing it anymore? Simple contacts even outside of the bedroom can often help you feel closer and rekindle the fire between you.
Step 5. Flirt more and be nice
Think of love as an action. Every day you should find a way to show your wife how much you care about her. Make sure you always make her feel loved.
Step 6. Maintain privacy
Don't neglect your sex life because of your other daily obligations. If necessary, plan your sex. Add some romance to your relationship. If your sex life seems to be running out of steam, talk about it to find a way to revive it.
If you cannot resolve your intimacy issues on your own, you can contact a sex therapist
Step 7. Relive some moments with your partner
Invite your partner to visit the place of your first meeting. If you have kids now, pick a place you liked to go before you became parents, but haven't visited in a while. Visiting these memorable places with a new perspective as a married couple can help you remember your beginnings and appreciate how far you've come.
Step 8. Create traditions
Often times, family customs can help couples (and families) establish experiences and perspectives that can be shared later. Giving importance to birthdays, celebrations, or a particularly significant date through ritual can help you feel more united. You will have the opportunity to reflect on the last years lived together and to develop new plans for the future.
Part 3 of 5: expressing appreciation
Step 1. Create a love card
It will serve as a physical representation of your partner's emotional and relational past. Even if you don't want to realize this map on a piece of paper, try to understand your partner's emotional landscape and appreciate the (probably) long road that has finally brought you together.
Step 2. Admire each other
If you have a long lasting relationship with someone, chances are it is because you admired them in the past. She had qualities that you find desirable and attractive, and which you shouldn't take for granted. Try to take a step back to look at your partner from a new perspective. Make a list of all the things you admire about her. Later, you can decide to share it with her. Remember, however, that the purpose of this list is to rekindle your admiration for her.
It might be a good idea to try to persuade her to do the same for you. It might be embarrassing to say something like "I think you should admire me and remind yourself how beautiful I am". However, there's nothing stopping you from sharing your attempt to rekindle your admiration for her because you think it can improve your relationship. Your initiative might prompt him to do the same
Step 3. Build trust
Live your relationship with extreme confidence. Assuming that you trust yourself and that you are trusted in return, without leaving room for feelings of fear, jealousy and suspicion, can bring enormous benefits to your relationship. Maintaining a healthy relationship can take a lot of effort, but trust should be easy and natural.
If you have reasons to not trust your spouse, for example because they have cheated on you in the past, it may be helpful to see a marriage therapist to get over the situation
Step 4. Reiterate your commitments
A relationship that lasts for a long time (especially a marriage) is definitely based on a commitment. There is nothing wrong with renewing this commitment even if you and your partner have been married for years. There is no need to organize a ceremony or formally renew the wedding vows. Just tell your wife that you intend to reaffirm your commitment to her.
For example, you could say, “I know we have been married for 17 years and have shared many important moments. I just want you to know that I am determined to share this happiness with you and that I will do my best to make our lives more enjoyable every day”
Step 5. Keep a gratitude journal
Jotting down things that you are grateful for helps you appreciate what you have and feel happier. Having a journal like this can help you be grateful for all aspects of your life, including your relationship and your partner. This will bring you closer to her and help you feel happier afterwards.
While gratitude doesn't directly benefit your relationship, doing something that makes you feel happier will have a positive influence on your relationship
Step 6. Take care of yourself
By taking care of yourself and making sure your emotional needs are met, you will have the energy and motivation to make your relationship last. In addition, you may appreciate your spouse more because they want to give you the time and space to take care of you.
- Taking care of yourself can be interpreted differently by everyone. You may feel the need to spend time alone to think quietly, or you may want to find time to devote to a hobby or sport that you enjoy.
- Also allow your husband to take care of him. Make sure he has enough time to take care of himself, also encourage him to do things that make him feel fulfilled and relaxed. The next time you meet, you will likely have more resources and energy to devote to your relationship.
Part 4 of 5: Getting help
Step 1. If you have a relationship problem, admit it
If you feel like your little quarrels are getting less and less friendly, if you lose the urge or the ability to communicate with your partner, or if you feel like you are being left out every time you try to strike up a conversation or create some intimate moment, it's time to seek outside help to improve your relationship.
It's okay to have ups and downs in a relationship, but when the hard times never seem to go away, the problem may be more serious. The first step is to talk about it by openly expressing your feelings. If this seems unnecessary to you, there is nothing wrong with finding a more concrete solution, such as couples therapy
Step 2. Don't wait to ask for help
Many couples wait until they are separated or discuss divorce before seeking help. It's best to seek help that will help you improve your relationship before the problems escalate to the point where it is still possible to save it.
Step 3. Find a marriage therapist or counselor
Find a psychotherapist who specializes in helping couples in crisis. If the thought of seeing a professional makes you uncomfortable, consider turning to a counselor, such as a spiritual guide, who most likely has the skills to solve relationship problems.
- If you don't mind letting someone know you are having problems, ask your friends or family for advice on finding the best therapist. If someone you know has just been divorced, you can ask them if they have been in couples therapy and if they would recommend a therapist.
- You can also do a quick search on the Internet. Within minutes you will find a number of psychologists with experience in couples therapy and you will be able to choose the ones in your area. If possible, read the reviews of the people who have used the services of each therapist before making your choice.
Step 4. Look for group classes or couples' retreats
If you think psychotherapy isn't necessary, but still want to strengthen your relationship, try looking for classes or retreats for those who feel the need to improve their relationship.Such activities are organized by professional counselors and aim to focus more on the ability to strengthen the relationship, not save it. This option may be more appropriate for partners who feel that their relationship does not need to be saved.
Part 5 of 5: Determining whether to fall in love again
Step 1. Remember why you fell in love
If it was factors like time, place, or circumstances that destroyed your relationship, you may be able to pick up the broken pieces. However, remember that a very important reason is needed to start loving your partner again. Remember, you must also have very good reasons to no longer love her.
In some cases, it will be much better not to rekindle the flame between you. For example, if you broke up because you were manipulated or abused, if the issues in your last relationship haven't been resolved, or if the only reason you are getting back together is " comfort”
Step 2. Ask yourself if the relationship might work
There's no point falling in love again if you (or your partner) don't want to re-engage. If there are obstacles, such as distance, work, or other partners, there is no reason to save the relationship. In practice, don't try to rekindle the flame if you're unwilling to do all in your power to keep it going for a long time.
Don't try to rebuild your relationship if the only reason you're doing it is to be around someone familiar. Don't assume that love is like an old friend you can visit every now and then, or someone will inevitably suffer
Step 3. Give yourself the time you need
Ask yourself if you have really stopped loving your wife. If you're feeling angry or hurt, but still want to work things out, you probably haven't had time to get over it. Take a moment to digest the situation when you are alone. If you want to get back together with your partner, even knowing that you can live without them, it's good to try and rebuild your relationship.
Don't try to recover just because you feel bad about being alone. Rekindling the flame between you will not help you get to know yourself better or deal with other issues in your life. Your wish should be to fall in love with her again, not try to feel fulfilled with her
Step 4. Don't force it
Love is not an emotion that can be faked. If you are no longer in love and cannot rekindle the passion, it is probably true that it is. People fall in love and separate all the time. As painful as it can be, there isn't always an explanation for it - sometimes it just happens. However, along the same lines, sometimes your feelings arise naturally, rekindling love when you thought you didn't love your other half. After all, the best advice is to follow your gut: be honest with yourself and your partner, and hope all is well.