Sometimes it can be hard to forgive someone who lied to us. You need to take the time to think a bit, try to find a way to solve the problem, talk a lot with the person who lied to you, and finally take a leap of faith. However, even then, forgiveness may not be granted or earned. This article will help you know if the person who lied to you is worth forgiving in your situation and how you should go about it.
Step 1. Try to think a bit
This will help you find out whether the person really lied to you or not. If so, it means she did it to you on purpose. If someone tells you something that you think is wrong, most likely it will hurt, but you should still take some time (if possible) to determine if they did it on purpose. to cheat you. There are untruths that are not necessarily lies. Suppose that…
- You have a friend who says he signed up for the same pottery class as you. You might think he lied to you if he didn't finally show up to class. While chatting with him, you might find that there wasn't enough room left for everyone who signed up or it could be that the time the class should take place coincides with someone else's time. important event he should attend.
- Maria tells you that she was only attracted to men. But a few days after that, you find out that she has kissed Julie in the past. Maybe it was this kiss that convinced her that it's the boys who really interest her and not the girls. On the other hand, she may not be honest with herself or be completely sure and want to find out about her preferences.
- Your mother-in-law says she didn't take your earrings, but you know she's wearing them. You might find out that your father gave her a pair that looks like yours and that she mistakenly confused them.
Step 2. Find out if she admits that she lied
If she denies it, then it will be difficult for you to forgive her.
- You have to be very careful when accusing someone of lying. You should review the recommendations in the first step of this article.
- If you have a good relationship with the person, try to give them a way to "save face". In other words, try to get him to tell you the truth without sounding ashamed. For example, suppose your friend lied to you that he was the first to cross the straight in a swimming championship, but you know he finished third. In that case, you could ask him if he is confusing this year's result with that of last year, where he won the race. In this way, he will be able to correct his story without feeling embarrassed and thus he will have told you the truth.
Step 3. See if the person is ready to talk about it
It is easier to forgive if the person is willing to discuss the lie they have told. This is the situation that can lead you to decide whether or not you can or should make an effort to get the person to agree to talk about it or not. For example…
- Usually you get along really well with your twin brother, but he lied to you about a little thing, but it bothers you. In this case, you can gently call him when he is more relaxed and open to a discussion with you.
- Suppose a girl gave you a bunny. She lied to you, telling you that she wanted to date you. She admits it to you, but gives you no consistent reason. In that case, you may decide that this is a terrible way to treat you and if she really wants you to forgive her, she knows how to contact you.
Step 4. Try to determine the reasons that prompted her to lie
Knowing the reasons that prompted the person to lie can be helpful if there is one. Sometimes people lie out of selfishness and meanness. Other times it might be noble. Knowing the reason behind his lie may make it easier to determine whether or not you can forgive him.
- The person may have lied to you for a good reason. For example, some don't know they were adopted because their adoptive parents wanted them to grow up feeling as valued as biological children. Although it can be hurtful if you are, you can try to understand that the intention was to protect yourself.
- You can forgive a selfish lie. Your friend may have lied to you that she didn't take your shoes off, but if she finally confessed and apologized, it might be easier to forgive her.
- Usually, it's up to the liar to explain his lie. Usually, it's up to the person who lied to say why. An “I don't know” is usually not a solution to getting a pardon. Young children, people with special needs, etc. may sometimes need someone to control this conversation.
Step 5. Find out if she's sorry
If the person is repentant, this is a factor that can promote forgiveness. However, that doesn't mean you have to or should forgive him. Here are some factors to consider.
- You can forgive him and still be angry. You could forgive your little sister for lying to you when she said she didn't eat your chocolate, but you can still be angry.
- If the person is lying and does not repent, you do not have to forgive him.
- Even if she's sorry, know that you still don't have to forgive her. However, it is usually best to do this, but that will be up to you. Just because the other person is sorry doesn't mean you should automatically forgive.
- Sometimes really deceitful people will pretend to be sorry. If you have any reason to believe this is the case, you need to be sure to be extra careful.
- Even if you think she is truly sorry, there are some serious issues that cannot or should not be forgiven in the sense of "all will be well between us again". For example, if you have been sexually abused, you have every right to cut off all contact with her and be angry with her, even as you move on with your life.
Step 6. Ask yourself if she's ready to make amends
Sometimes a person can take steps to right the harm they have caused. In this case, it can go a long way in earning your forgiveness. This effort of wanting to make amends can be initiated by the person or yourself. The action must be consistent and proportionate to the fault in order to resolve the situation. For example:
- your friend must also admit his wrongs and apologize to another friend affected by the lie;
- your cousin must pay the cost to replace the bicycle seat;
- the person you shared the bunk with at camp is going to be given a face pie at skit night for lying about who left the spider toy in the toilet.
Step 7. Remember that everyone is lying
It is an aspect of the human being. We all twist the truth or lie from time to time, in other words, no one is an exception, not even you. It is very likely that you have lied and been forgiven in the past. It is an indispensable thing in human relations.
Step 8. Remember that to forgive is to “move on”
To forgive means to be prepared to turn the page on the offending act. In other words, you are ready to give the person another chance and are ready to look to the future rather than dwell on the past.
- To forgive does not necessarily mean to forget. You don't have to pretend the lie never happened. Repeated lies (or any other offensive action) is something you can and should watch out for. Also, the more the same person lies to you, the less forgiving you should be.
- While you have a right to remember the wrongs that the person has done to you in the past, true forgiveness also means not constantly looking back on what you say you have forgiven. If you do, know that you are saying you forgive, but in reality you are not.
Step 9. Take a leap of faith and trust again
It can be very difficult to trust. Someone lied to you and you'll have to trust them again to not do it again. This can make you vulnerable and it may not always work. Here are some things to consider.
- If you hold a grudge, you will find yourself alone. We all make mistakes, chins, etc. If you can't forgive, you won't be able to deal with people who are not perfect.
- Be careful with the idea of being "right". Some would rather be right than be happy. You might be absolutely right not to forgive your stepbrother for lying to you. However, would you be really happy if you never forgive them?
Step 10. Don't confuse forgiveness and trust
Forgiving is not the same as trusting again. It will be up to the other person to prove that they are trustworthy again. Sometimes trust can be regained, but sometimes not.
- You might be able to forgive your sister for lying about borrowing your iPod and breaking it, but you won't be trusting her anytime soon, either.
- Suppose your wife cheated on you. The two of you have reconciled and your marriage is stronger than ever. Despite this, she knows she needs to talk to you about things like having to come home late from work. Know that even if you trust yourself again, it is only because of her willingness to be transparent, which she was not in the past.
Step 11. Forgive her without asking for an excuse
Sometimes we won't be able to apologize for the lie we told. You can forgive without having a conversation or an apology, but it's usually more difficult because in this case you are forced to go through this whole process on your own, without the other person.. You can seek help from a counselor, psychologist, or religious leader.
- For example, suppose you are mad at your grandmother for lying to you about a family secret… Your Aunt Cassie is actually your birth mother. However, your grandmother passed away many years ago. In this case, you need to put your anger on your grandmother aside and forgive her. Cassie can help you understand that being a mother as a teenager was frowned upon back then. Perhaps this is what prompted your grandmother to make up the story of "aunt" so that Cassie would not be stigmatized and be a part of your life in order to keep the family intact. When you realize this, you can forgive him for his lie and feel much better.
- Suppose you have a friend who stole money from you and lied to you about it. Then he doesn't talk to you anymore. Now you have good reason to believe that he has a drug addiction problem. You are still upset and angry by this story. With the help of a pastor, you realize that he has serious health issues that have caused him to behave this way. You have to forgive him and forget about the pain you are feeling. However, you should never give him money again!
Step 12. See if you forgive too quickly
Also see if it takes too long to let go of the grudge. Ideally, you should ask yourself if it's a good idea to forgive before you move on. Forgiving someone who has lied is complicated and involves emotions. Sometimes it takes time, maturity and experience to analyze things properly. So if you take the time to think about it, it can slow down the process. Here are some key questions you can ask yourself.
- Am I so angry that I hurt myself?
- Will my refusal to forgive him affect innocent people, like my parents or my friends?
- Am I gullible?
- Would it be helpful to discuss the situation with someone I trust?
- Am I forgiving… but not holding the other person responsible for my hurt feelings or repairing the damage done? Do I let him trample on me?
- How many times has this happened before? Never, twice, or every week?
- Make sure you spend time with other people as you try to get over the pain. It can give you a better understanding of the situation and help you see that there are people you can trust.
- If it was a child (not a teenager) who lied to you, you can get professional help in case you are unsure how to handle their lies appropriately. Children should be given special attention and a lot of compassion. They are still learning and you remain their guide. If you don't feel like you can handle it on your own, you shouldn't give up on a child who needs this help. Instead, ask for help.
- Just because you forgive someone who lied to you doesn't mean you shouldn't be vigilant anymore. Like it or not, he's given you good reasons for not trusting him completely. It would be wise and legitimate not to trust him until he (or she) proves to you that he is more trustworthy. Don't be intimidated by someone who wants you to trust them again if they are responsible for the loss of trust.
- Some people even lie when there is no obvious reason to do so. These are people who usually have serious psychological problems. Although they are rare, remember that they do exist and be sure to treat these people with a lot of caution. It can easily happen that you get caught up in a web of lies from such a person and they drag you down.
- Also read wikiHows like how to read body language, how to spot a pathological liar, and how to spot a sociopath.