Making new friends isn't always easy, and it can be even harder to trust them. Plus, some have a hard time finding someone who truly loves and cares about them. In an ideal world our friends would have nothing but love and respect to offer and would never betray us, but unfortunately not everyone sees it that way. The hard truth is that sometimes people end up betraying the trust of others, even that of their best friends. While it is not at all easy, learning to forgive and to move on is a very important task and, luckily, possible.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: understand the situation
Step 1. Ask yourself if it was all a misunderstanding
It is easy to get angry when you feel betrayed by someone, but you need to make sure that your friend has really been disloyal to you. Maybe he acted unintentionally, so be sure he really is guilty.
- What was your role in the incident? Did you jump to conclusions that led to an argument or misunderstanding?
- Talk to other people who are familiar with the situation to be able to determine what really happened.
- Consider all the information you have, including your opinion. If your friend behaved really badly, did she admit to doing something wrong?
- Of course, a confession is not the only evidence that someone is guilty, but it must be taken into consideration. Otherwise, you will have to think about the possibility of a misunderstanding. This does not mean that all culprits confess their mistakes, however, as many do not. Therefore, assess all the evidence to decide what to do next if there has been a betrayal.
- Suppose you have told a secret to a friend and suddenly everyone knows about it: it is very likely that you suspect your friend of this betrayal. Ask him if he revealed the secret to anyone, even if he didn't intend to. Was it an accident? Has it escaped him?
Step 2. Ask him how he is feeling
If your friend is as upset as you are, try to understand their point of view by putting yourself in their shoes. Could you have said something that he misinterpreted or vice versa?
- It's also important to keep in mind that you don't know what's going on in her life, so look at the situation from her perspective. If your friend is ready to talk, ask him or her how he or she is feeling. We have no idea what is going on in other people's lives. So make an effort to understand your friend's point of view.
- In the situation mentioned above, you could understand how he felt carrying your secret: Was it very difficult not to tell anyone? Also, assess if he feels bad for what he has done.
Step 3. Put things in perspective
Every story has more than one side and many factors influence the events, so make an effort to objectively assess the circumstances. We can see things in a whole different way when we step back from the situation and see it as if it happened to someone else. If you do this, it will be easier for you to see the situation from another perspective.
- That doesn't mean you won't think he did something bad. The conclusion may be the same as before: there has been betrayal, whether you have an objective point of view or not. In such a situation, think about what you want to do from now on.
- Once you analyze the situation objectively, you will likely develop empathy for your friend, but that does not mean that you will forgive their behavior, only that you will see the circumstances differently. Believe it or not, this compassion for this person will help you move on.
- You can also begin to understand how you may have contributed to a situation that led to the betrayal (or the problem in question), either by turning a deaf ear or by neglecting a detail. It is a powerful awareness and a wake-up call to deal with anything that has been ignored or overlooked.
- It is best to avoid sharing secrets with your friend in the future if they are very talkative and like gossip.
Part 2 of 3: let go
Step 1. Relax and spend some time alone
Meditate, dance, go shopping, or do some other fun activity to take your mind off things. Do whatever it takes to make yourself feel better. It might sound counterproductive, but you'll be more likely to come up with a good solution while doing something enjoyable or fun. Indeed, creativity arises in moments of pleasure, even if it is not related to the problem in question.
Following the example above, try to get out of the situation and stay away from people who know your secret. Take a step back, try to step away from the situation, and do something relaxing
Step 2. Calm down
Avoid blaming yourself by assuming that you are responsible for the situation and that you are always messing things up. Avoid generalizing by saying, "This is only happening to me." Having such thoughts can lead to depression.
- Mistakes and accidents happen in everyone's life: no one is immune from terrible events. Blaming yourself for the situation will only keep you from moving forward. That way, you'll have a hard time letting go and moving on.
- Don't torture yourself for trusting a friend who is talkative. Instead of thinking about things like, “I'm so stupid. Why did I do this? Instead say this to yourself: "I made a mistake, but everyone does." From now on, I know that I can no longer share any secrets with this person. "
Step 3. Redefine the situation
If you think you've been betrayed by your friend, but they haven't apologized, put it another way and stop blaming yourself. Managing your own feelings in a healthy way will be critical to your ability to move forward. This new way of looking at the situation will also help you take the first step on the path to forgiveness.
For example, instead of telling yourself that it's all your fault, consider the fact that you've discovered that your friend talks a lot and can't keep secrets. You had no idea what his attitude was when you decided to share a secret with him, so you made the best decision you could make at the time. If you could choose again, you would do it differently
Step 4. Let go of your frustration
A lot of people get rid of their frustrations by talking to someone, so choose someone you trust who is willing to listen to you talk. Expressing yourself will help you let go of negative emotions, but prefer talking to someone who is impartial, who is not involved in the situation, to avoid prejudice or other conflicts.
- Try not to get carried away by too many negative emotions or feelings. You won't be able to express yourself properly if you are in a sense of guilt or denial.
- Choose someone who is not likely to feel sorry for you. Don't talk to someone who will be sad and desperate after hearing your story, especially if you already feel that way. Talk to a loved one who can stay positive and offer great advice on what to do.
- If you are not the type of person who likes to confide in others, know that there are other ways to express your frustration, especially if you are active or not. Take a walk or run to release some of these negative emotions. If you play sports, play ball or with friends. Kickboxing, boxing, and even yoga are great stress relief options.
- Talk to another friend about your feelings, or if you can't open up to someone, try journaling.
Part 3 of 3: move on
Step 1. Forgive
If you can't do it, at least be open to forgiveness. Even if that friend who betrayed you never apologizes, you still have to be willing to forgive him if you are to move forward. See forgiveness as a gift for yourself and not for the other.
- By forgiving, we are able to leave behind what we have been through and move on with our lives, otherwise we get stuck in this situation forever. You will spend a lot of time holding a grudge if you don't forgive your friend, and you might even spend months or years feeling as upset as you are now, like the situation just happened.
- Ideally, the person who betrayed your trust should apologize, and that request should be taken into consideration when deciding whether or not you want to forgive. However, many times people do not apologize or offer a sincere apology, which cannot influence your decision. Therefore, you may need to make an effort to forgive the other, regardless of their attitude.
- Don't dwell on it: after you've forgiven, turn the page and start a new chapter in your life. A good way to control yourself and avoid obsessive thoughts is to put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it on your skin whenever you think about the situation.
- Forgive yourself for trusting this friend: you didn't know he was unable to keep a secret.
Step 2. Decide if you still want to have a relationship with him
Often, friends who betray one day are inclined to betray again, but it depends on each individual and each situation. So, consider the context and determine if you want to keep the person in your life, either as a friend or just an acquaintance.
- If you still want the person in your life, but to a lesser extent, you might think of them as an acquaintance and not a friend. You can also break off relationships once and for all if you think that's the best option.
- Cut all ties if you've made the decision not to be friends with that person anymore. However, don't be patronizing. She'll be aware of your grief if you've told her before, so ending that friendship should be easier.
- If your best friend leaves you for other people, the best way to feel better is to become a better person and not fall so low like her. Focus on what's worth it! Does someone who doesn't care about you mean a lot to you or do you come first? For example, if you go to the same school, a good way to get revenge is to get grades higher than her. Try to study a little more at home. One day, she will regret having left you because deep down, she is only a profiteer if she has abandoned you for other people.
- If you decide to keep the friendship, make it clear to her how you feel so that she understands that she's done wrong, but tell her that you forgive her and that you still want to be her friend.
- If she doesn't have any remorse or apologizes and you still want to maintain a relationship with her, think twice as it could happen again in the future.
- You can also decide to maintain the relationship with this person, making sure that you do not reveal any more big secrets. However, if you feel like you are telling your secrets to almost everyone, you will need to reconsider your friendship with her.
Step 3. Consider this experience as a lesson for life
Now that you know the signs of a betrayal and can identify them more easily, it will help you not to make the same mistake again in the future and maybe you will not be betrayed again. Obviously, you will never have control over the behavior of others and you cannot prevent a betrayal. However, this experience will teach you how to better handle the situation and will help you not to be taken by surprise.
You now know that some people cannot keep secrets, even if they are your best friends. Next time, you'll think twice about telling someone a big secret, especially if that person can't hold their tongue
Advice
- When it comes to trusting someone, listen to your instincts and learn from your past experiences - there are people you can never trust.
- If possible, do not give out certain information about yourself so that you are not completely open to everyone. This way, you are less likely to be betrayed.
- Say how you feel, even when you are upset, but be careful not to say things without thinking.
- Don't ignore the other person completely! Don't pretend you're not listening if she asks you a question. Respond politely instead of ignoring her and hurting her even more.
- Before a new conversation, give yourself and your friend a few weeks, or even a month, for you to calm down, or you'll end up quarreling all over again.
Warnings
- Most people who have been betrayed prefer to move on, so don't feel bad for wanting to do it - it's your choice.
- Beware of people who easily reveal a lot of details about themselves or the lives of others: they are probably quite tongue-in-cheek.
- Human beings are social animals and cannot live without friends, so be careful not to lose all of your friendships because of a simple quarrel.