Friends often argue. Usually, disagreements between two comrades are minor, senseless, and sometimes easy to resolve. However, small bickering can arise in big arguments. To reestablish the relationship, a person must still take the initiative. Take responsibility for your actions and seek forgiveness.
Part 1 of 3: Keep calm during an argument
Step 1. Stay calm after a heated argument
Fights with friends trigger a natural range of emotions, from anger to grief. While your feelings may be fully justifiable, you should avoid letting your emotional reaction go unchecked. By remaining calm and quiet, you will minimize the risk of the incident escalating.
- Take a break, take a deep breath, and relax.
- Isolate yourself from the situation until you have control over your emotions. When you're feeling overly emotional, just ask to step back and stop the conversation. You can put it this way, “I'm starting to feel upset, angry and hurt. Before I do or say anything that I might regret, I will interrupt the discussion. We can pick up where we left off when I am calmer and control my emotions. ". This way of proceeding is called "making a truce".
Step 2. Avoid fighting back when provoked
Anger, jealousy and frustration are unmanageable emotions. When we allow these feelings to cloud our judgment, our actions and words can become destructive. While it is tempting to "get back", be aware that revenge can eliminate any possibility of reconciliation with your friend or, at the very least, delay the process.
- Recognize that your thoughts of revenge are a natural reaction to your trust being betrayed. When someone harms us, it is actually in our nature to take revenge.
- Recognize that you might regret seeking revenge. When you seek revenge, everything you do comes from a feeling of fear and anger. Once these two feelings go away, the satisfaction you had in getting revenge can be replaced by feelings of guilt and regret. Remember this “getting revenge might sound like a good idea now, but afterwards I will feel terrible for hurting my friend. ".
- Accept that you can control these desires for revenge. If you find yourself plotting revenge, there are a number of things you can do:
- Remember that these desires are just a natural human reaction to the fact that trust has been betrayed. You don't need to act on these feelings because you always have the option to ignore them.
- Tell yourself that plotting revenge is satisfying, but that you won't feel any better if you carry out the plan.
- Make the decision to deal with the problem in a less mean way, such as through dialogue.
- Practice radical acceptance. Admit how you are feeling right now and make a decision to accept those feelings with acceptance and kindness. In this case, you have to radically accept that people will betray your trust.
Step 3. Chat privately, not over the internet
When you're having a fight with a friend, it's only natural to talk about the issue. Today, some people are turning to social media to voice their complaints. Spreading your frustrations or grief on social media will only make the argument last longer.
- Discuss the problem with a neutral and close confidant.
- If your friend posts on social media, try not to respond. You can even block it temporarily.
Step 4. See the argument from your classmate's point of view
Every conflict always involves two (or more) parties. While it is easy to convince yourself that your point of view is correct, these kinds of inflexible thoughts can prevent you from coming to terms with your fellow student. Seeing the situation from your friend's point of view may cause you to rethink your side of the story.
- Keep in mind that you don't have to be like someone else to empathize with them.
- Find out if your friend is having difficulty in their personal, professional or academic life. Are these difficulties at the root of his negative behavior towards you?
- Think about how your friend feels about your actions. Did you do something that pissed him off? Did you first betray his trust?
Part 2 of 3: discussing the dispute with your friend
Step 1. Find a time to meet your friend
To resolve the dispute between you, your friend and you need to have a discussion about it. Ask him to meet you, for example you can invite him for coffee, a walk on the beach or dinner. Your proactivity will show that you really care about mending the relationship. Emphasize that the conversation should be face-to-face. If you and your mate can see each other's facial expressions and body language, then there is less chance of misinterpretation.
- If your friend isn't ready to meet you, don't rush things. Give her a few more days to calm down and ask again.
- Decline all proposals that go in the direction of discussing your dispute over the phone or on social networks.
Step 2. Stay calm throughout the discussion
When you meet your friend, both of you might experience some very strong emotions. Your attitude will determine the tone in which the whole discussion takes place. Don't allow your negative emotions to take over the situation. Aggression, shouting and defensive behavior will simply cause the reconciliation process to fail.
- Demonstrate mastery. When you get upset, stop talking and take a deep breath. You may find it helpful to count to 10 or repeat a calming mantra (such as "I am calm, relaxed, and serene.") Until you feel that you have regained control of your emotions.
- If you feel like you are too pissed off, apologize for withdrawing for a while and come back when you are calm.
- Take a moment to think about why you are angry and upset. Did you misunderstand his words? Did your friend misunderstand you? Do you have some control over what makes you angry? Use this time to focus and organize your thoughts. Identify the source of your anger so that you can express what is upsetting you.
Step 3. Explain your actions and feelings
When you meet your mate, you should avoid apologizing or blaming all of the blame on him. Instead, accept your share of responsibility for the dispute. Seek to express yourself calmly and rationally.
- Use the "I" in your statements to identify and own your feelings.
- Be as specific as possible. For example, you can say, "I felt angry when you left me at the party. ".
- Avoid the words "should" and "should", as well as the phrases "I feel like …" and "I feel …". The latter transform the words which express the "I" into statements which imply the "you".
- Avoid yelling.
Step 4. Allow your friend to openly express their feelings
After you have expressed yourself, allow your partner to share their feelings with you as well. It may be difficult for you to hear what he is saying, but you should avoid interrupting him. It is important that they feel listened to and considered. Wait patiently and actively listen to what he is saying.
- When your comrade is talking, refrain from all distractions, whether on your phone or on your computer.
- Maintain eye contact with your friend.
- Lean forward and tilt your head slightly to show that you are following carefully.
- Observe your friend's body language.
Step 5. Acknowledge that you have heard and understood their point of view
After actively listening to your mate, put aside your point of view and your desire to be right and empathize with him. Explaining the dispute from your friend's point of view reassures them that you are really listening. It also shows that you are ready to accept responsibility for your actions and move on.
- "I see what my actions made you feel…".
- "I didn't realize I hurt you by …"
- Avoid the word "but". This expression indicates that you really don't see the problem from your comrade's point of view. Instead, replace the "but" with the "and".
Part 3 of 3: Apologize to your friend
Step 1. Express regret for your actions
Start by apologizing with a heartfelt statement like "I'm sorry." Express your remorse with sincere and genuine words. Let your mate know that you regret the fact that your attitude affected him negatively.
- For example, you can say this "I'm sorry my actions hurt you" or "I apologize for not giving you the opportunity to explain. ".
- A false excuse will not resolve the dispute.
Step 2. Take responsibility for your actions
You do not have control over your comrade's actions, but you can still control your reactions and attitude. Once you accept that your words and actions, no matter how minor, contributed to the dispute, you will stop justifying your bad behavior. So you need to make your friend realize that you recognize your role in what happened.
- For example, you can express yourself in these words: "I realize that being late was hurtful and reckless" or "I know I waited too long to tell you that I was offended. ".
- Avoid basing an excuse or justification for your behavior on this statement. This will only destroy your apology.
Step 3. Offer to make amends for your behavior
In addition to saying "I'm sorry" and taking responsibility for your actions, you also need to redeem yourself. Let your mate know how much you mean to be forgiven for your behavior. Make sure your promises are genuine.
- For example, you can promise not to behave that way in the future, to communicate better, or to spend more time with your friend. Here are some things you can say: “I will do my best to give you more time”, “I will make you a priority in my life”, “I will do my best to address issues relating to your life and your difficulties”,“I will do my best to support you in this difficult time or in this new opportunity. ".
- Make sure this promise is workable.
Step 4. Ask your peer to forgive you and accept their response
Conclude your apology by asking for forgiveness. When apologizing, use phrases like "please forgive me" and "can we move on". If your friend seems unsure, you can reiterate that you take responsibility for your actions and will strive to be a best friend in the future.
- Your friend has the right to accept your apology or to refuse to forgive you.
- If he doesn't forgive you instantly, give him time and space to process your apology.
- Be honest and sincere when you talk to him.
- Show consideration and pay attention.
- Stay calm.
- Be indulgent.
- Avoid taking revenge against him. It will only hurt your relationship and you may never regain your friend's trust.
- Seek advice from an adult if you need help deciding whether or not you are over the line, or whether you have said something inappropriate. They can also give you advice to help you build whether the relationship is healthy or not.
- Sometimes it takes weeks to reestablish a relationship with a friend.
- Avoid accusing your comrade. Just take responsibility for your actions.
- Your friend might not forgive you.