Communicating can be hard work. This is why communication is the key to a lasting relationship. If you want better communication in your relationship, then you need to not only be able to convey your ideas, but also be able to “really” listen to your partner.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Making Your Case
Step 1. Learn to say what you think
We can often hear jokes about the real meaning of our words, when she says "this" and actually means that or "what he's really trying to tell you is that …" These jokes are pretty funny because 'they are generally true. Sometimes our partner is expected to understand our hidden message, but hoping or relying on it is not really fair or effective. Instead, state your thoughts directly.
- When making your arguments, give concrete examples of what you want to say so that your words take on their full meaning. Don't just say "I feel like you haven't done your part of the house cleaning …", instead say "I've washed the dishes every night for the past two weeks …"
- Speak slowly and clearly so that your partner understands you. Do not let all your anger escape, otherwise he or she will not be able to follow you.
- Remember that your speaking time is not limited. Go over all the important points that are important to you, but don't overwhelm your partner by talking for hours.
- Organizing your thoughts directly helps avoid misunderstanding your real motivations. Rather than offering options when your boyfriend suggests you go to a party, tell him the truth: that you don't want to see all these people after a hard week at work, followed by an "I'm sorry to have to. say that, but I'm not in the mood to party tonight. "
Step 2. Use "I" or "me"
Don't start a speech by accusing your partner of making a mistake. If you say "You always do …" or "You never do …" your partner will be on the defensive and there will be little chance that they will want to listen to you. Instead, say something like “I noticed that…” or “Recently, I felt like…” Focus the discussion on your feelings and instead of feeling like you're being blamed, your partner will take the lead. feeling of taking part in a productive discussion.
- Even saying something like "Recently I felt a bit abandoned" will sound better than "you abandoned me." "
- Although you are essentially saying the same thing when using "I," your partner will be less defensive with this turn of phrase and will be more adept at communicating openly.
Step 3. Stay as calm as possible
During a heated discussion with your partner it will be difficult to keep a cool head, but the more calm you are, the better you will be able to express your feelings. So if the mustard comes to your nose in the middle of the conversation or if you are furious before you even raise the issue, take a long breath until you feel calm enough to start a productive discussion.
- Speak in a steady, slow tone to clearly express your ideas.
- Don't try to speak louder than your partner. This will only irritate you even more.
- Take long breaths. Don't get hysterical in the middle of an argument.
Step 4. Maintain positive body language
Having positive body language helps put a positive tone in the discussion. Look your partner in the eye and turn to him / her. You can wave your arms around, but don't move them too violently so you don't lose control. Don't cross your arms over your chest or your partner will think you've already closed before they've said anything.
Don't fiddle with things around you unless it helps you deal with your nervousness
Step 5. Present your ideas confidently
This does not mean that you have to enter the discussion as if it were an office meeting. Don't walk into the room shaking hands with your partner and immediately moving on to your argument. Instead, be confident in yourself and act in the most relaxed way possible. Smile every now and then, pay attention to the words you use and most of all don't hesitate, ask a ton of questions or seem unsure of what you want to say. If your partner questions your words, they won't take you seriously enough.
The more confident you are, the less scared or exhausted you will be. Having confidence will help you organize your ideas
Step 6. Prepare a strategy before you start
This is an extremely important point. Do not rush into a speech with your eyes closed without preparing arguments and telling him the fifteen things he or she did wrong. Even if you are upset or hurt for various reasons, it is important that you focus on the essential points that you want to cover and that you think about the end result that you want from this discussion. If making your partner feel guilty is your only motivation, then you should think twice before you take the plunge.
- Part of the plan is knowing "when" to have this discussion. Starting a debate at an inopportune time, such as at a family picnic or in the middle of an important sporting event on TV, can nullify your strategy and make your point irrelevant.
- Choose specific examples that you will use to make your point. For example, you want your partner to listen a little more. Can you think of two or three times when he or she didn't listen to you and therefore really hurt you? Don't overwhelm her with negative reviews, but use hard evidence to get her undivided attention.
- Remember your goal. Show your partner why you've been hurt, raise an important dispute and find a compromise that will make you both happy, or discuss how to deal with stress in a relationship. Keep your goal in mind so you don't get lost.
Part 2 of 3: Listening to your partner
Step 1. Put yourself in your partner's shoes
Use your imagination to get closer to your partner's point of view in a particular situation. Be aware that certain factors that you do not know may be at play. Putting yourself in his or her shoes when he or she is talking to you can help you understand why your behavior or the current situation may be frustrating for him / her. When you're angry or upset, it's hard to take the other's arguments into account, but this technique can actually help you find solutions much faster.
- Empathy will always help you solve a problem in your relationships. Emphasize that you are trying to be understanding by saying “I know you must be feeling upset because…” or “I know you had a hard week at work…” Your partner will then feel like you are upset. 'really listen.
- Putting yourself in your partner's shoes can help you recognize their feelings and show them that you understand their issues.
Step 2. Give him the freedom to analyze the conflict
While it is great to be able to talk about all of your frustrations, sometimes your partner is still working on their thoughts and feelings and need a little time for him (her). Giving him space and time to think things through can prevent him from immediately starting an argument and saying things that he might later regret. There is a difference between encouraging a discussion and pushing your partner to talk before they are ready.
Just saying "I'll be there when you need to talk" shows your partner that you care about them without suffocating them
Step 3. Give it your undivided attention
Learn to recognize the signal when your partner really wants to talk to you. When he or she wants to talk, you have to turn off the TV, put your work away, hide your phone, and do whatever you can to give your companion your full attention. If you do multiple things at the same time or if you are distracted, he (or she) will be all the more frustrated. If you're really in the middle of something big, give it a few minutes to wrap it up and be less distracted when the time comes.
- Maintaining eye contact instead of looking around can help your partner feel that you are really listening.
- Let her do the talking, but nod every now and then or say “I understand how you feel…” to stay involved.
Step 4. Let it finish
Although he said something completely outrageous or something that you must necessarily correct, don't interrupt him in the middle of the discussion. Keep things that you would like to come back to later in your head and let your partner say whatever he or she has to say. When finished, it's your turn to answer and at that point you can answer him point by point.
It seems almost impossible to hold back when your only urge is to interrupt him to argue, but your partner will feel much better once he takes out everything on his mind
Step 5. Pay attention
When you listen to your mate, know that you don't have to accept or understand everything they say to you. No matter how well you are in harmony, how similar and like-minded you are, and even though it is difficult for both of you to express your feelings, there are times when you don't share. not the same point of view, and that's okay, just be aware that you got it one way and him the other and you'll be more receptive to what he has to say to you.
Being aware of this disagreement will help calm your frustration when you don't understand each other
Part 3 of 3: build a solid foundation
Step 1. Maintain some privacy
This doesn't mean that you have to dive into bed with your partner to make it up after every argument. But rather that you need to keep some privacy between yourselves whenever you can, whether it's through hugs, tender gestures, laughing about anything, or just spending time on the couch holding your hand. hand in front of your favorite TV series. Make time each week for your relationship, whether you are busy or not, it will work in your favor when it comes to tackling sensitive topics.
Being intimate isn't just about being physically close. It is especially necessary to see through the other and try to create space in your heart for their words, body language or actions
Step 2. Learn to see when your partner is upset
Obviously, it would be better if your partner let you know whenever something has upset him. However, this is rarely the case. If you want to build a solid foundation for communication then you need to learn to recognize the signs that your partner is upset. Recognize these signs and don't be afraid to say, “Hey, you sound upset. Is something bothering you? He (she) may not always want to talk about it, but letting him know that you are aware of his annoyance can reassure him.
- Each person shows their annoyance differently. For example: staying silent, denying your anger, making nasty comments or complaining about something insignificant when you are annoyed by something that has nothing to do with it.
- However, that doesn't mean you have to ask every time when your partner is not in top form, "Hey, what's wrong?" Maybe he's just tired of his long day at work. Recognizing the signs and knowing when your partner is really doing well is different than asking them every five seconds if they are doing well. It could quickly become painful.
- Sometimes body language says more than just words. If you are faced with a misunderstanding, it is important to show your willingness to communicate.
- “I'm trying to understand, but I can't. Did I do or say something that made you upset? " " No. "Did anyone else upset you?" " " No. "Are you just pissed off?" " " Yes. " " After me ? " " Not really. That way you get closer to the answer. It may take some effort, but in the end it will be worth it.
Step 3. Be preventative
There is no point in starting an argument over trivial matters, however, you must be able to bring up painful issues when necessary. Don't be aggressive and don't let your anger rise, otherwise you will find yourself in the middle of a quarrel, at an inconvenient time and without expecting it. Learn to talk about important topics so that you feel comforted when you find a compromise, rather than boiling over inside.
In a relationship, both members must come up with solutions to find the one that will best match the two. A real compromise is when the thoughts and feelings of both parties are taken into account while adhering to real constraints: feasibility, time, cost, etc
Step 4. Relax
Take time to have fun. If you spend all of your time working and then arguing, you won't enjoy your relationship. If you put aside minor worries and share positive feelings and memories with your significant other, you are less likely to explode in the middle of a debate. Building a solid foundation of love and happiness will help you overcome bad times more easily.
Laugh together. Whether it's making cheesy jokes, watching a comedy, or just bursting out laughing for no reason, laughing will really help you appreciate your relationship and prepare you for the tough times
Step 5. Try to notice when a conversation is no longer productive
If the two of you are yelling, hurting each other without looking for a solution, then yes, the conversation is no longer productive. There is no point in continuing your argument if it is to make matters worse. Take a deep breath, tell your partner that you both need to calm down, and postpone the conversation until later if you were discussing a really important topic. It's a mature reaction to push back on your conversation instead of losing control.
- Just say, "I think this topic is as important to you as it is to me, but it would be best if we discuss this again when we are calmer." "
- Do not leave by slamming doors or throwing objects that could injure you. Stay on a positive note, even if you are still angry.
- Sometimes all it takes is an innocent debate to get off the ground. If so, point it out. Tell him, "What is the reason for our argument? This can help you both take a step back and assess the situation.
Step 6. Learn to compromise
In any good relationship, being happy should always be more important than being right. Don't spend your time trying to prove your other half that you're right or arguing just to get what you want, or your romance will quickly run out of steam. Instead, try to find productive solutions that can make both of you happy. It will be much better for your relationship in the long run and it will help you convey your real needs.
- Sometimes there may be situations where you cannot find a compromise, for example in choosing a new accommodation. Then make sure you get there next time or that you are happy with the solution found.
- Take your turn. The last word doesn't always have to go to the same person.
- Making a list of pros and cons can also help find a more reasoned and sometimes hassle-free solution.
- Sometimes during an argument it's important to consider which of the two of you places the most importance on the topic being discussed. This can help you assess the situation. If something is “very” important to you, but much less important to your companion, then let him know.
Step 7. Remember to appreciate each other
If you want to keep communication smooth and healthy then you both need to take the time to give each other compliments, leave cute little words to each other, tell the other what you like about him / her and take the time to just do things you love. A romantic evening, just like your nightly dinners if you live together, can really help you enjoy each other's company and have fun chatting. This will make it easier when you need to have a serious discussion.