We all know that the first impression matters a lot in a date. If you want to take the initiative to contact and make new friends, but don't want to sound too strange, it's important to strike a balance between what would be showing interest and being the one. or one that seems too oppressive … or even downright hopeless!
Part 1 of 3: adopt the right attitude
Step 1. Live in the moment
To meet new people without sounding weird, the first thing to do is stop worrying about the image you're sending back and enjoy the moment and the conversation that is going on. Forget about your expectations, your ego, your fears, and anything else that could prevent a conversation from flowing naturally. Learn to focus on your interlocutor, stop focusing on yourself and thus avoid straying from interesting points of the conversation.
- When you approach someone, don't ask yourself "What am I looking like?" Or "Do I look dumb?" ". Instead, ask yourself "What would this person like to talk about?" What is important to her? "
- You can maintain this state of mind by always being one step ahead of the person and thinking about what to say next, while paying attention to what they are saying. This will help you avoid losing the thread of the conversation, rehashing what you said five minutes ago, and thinking about the impression you made.
Step 2. Don't sound too excited to meet this person
You could then easily pass for someone weird or clingy. People whose happiness depends too heavily on others are unstable and lack real self-confidence. If you seem like you would be devastated to learn that this person doesn't want to be your friend or your partner, it's time to calm down. Be patient and watch your behavior.
- If you get along really well with someone you meet, don't say to them too quickly "I like you!" Or "You are really awesome!"”, Unless you are sure that this interest is shared.
- Whether you're meeting a friend or potential partner, don't ask for their phone number in the middle of a conversation or as soon as you get the feeling that you like that person. Wait until the end of the conversation, it will be much more natural.
- If you meet someone with whom you think you can develop a real friendship, you can casually say "We should go see this new movie together" or "I would love to try this yoga class you tell me about!" »Don't immediately invite the other person to do something too intense or too personal. Don't invite her to hike with you for 3 days, join a family dinner, or help you pick out new underwear. Stay relaxed or you will seem too urgent.
- Avoid sounding weird or desperate, and don't say "I don't have a lot of friends, I'd love to hang out with you!" You risk scaring that person away.
Step 3. Have confidence in yourself
You may doubt yourself, but you will be much less likely to frighten the other person by having confidence in yourself and thus making you feel like you are a worthy person. You should be confident in yourself before you even walk into a room with strangers, and build your confidence as the conversation progresses. Smile, talk about things you love, and show everyone you love who you are, where you are and what you do.
- Body language can help you feel confident. Stand up straight, look people in the eye, don't play nervously with your hands, or stare at the ground.
- Do not look at yourself in any mirrors or reflective surfaces that you come across or people will see that you doubt yourself or that you are narcissistic.
- When you introduce yourself, speak clearly and loudly enough to be heard.
Step 4. Be positive
Maintaining a positive attitude (without sounding too excited) will make people want to chat with you. Smile and laugh every now and then without keeping a weird grin on your face and laughing at things that aren't funny. Talk about things that interest you, things that make you happy and your passions (as long as they're not too confusing: for example avoid mentioning taxidermy or your passion for the history of torture in the Middle Ages when of a first meeting), so that people enjoy chatting with you.
- If you talk about your hatred for a certain teacher, classmate, celebrity, or any other person right off the bat, then yes, you will sound like a weirdo.
- Don't nod your head or nod at what the other person says like a doggie every 5 seconds, you will seem desperate. An occasional "That's exactly it" or "I know exactly what you mean" will be much more positive and much less creepy.
Part 2 of 3: Have a good conversation
Step 1. Learn to chat
There is nothing ridiculous about chatting. It's these little conversations that will help you get to know people and start a more serious conversation and a more personal relationship. Talking about rain or shine, about your job or the classes you take could lead you to a conversation about your favorite interests or your fondest memories of a certain year.
- To chat, try to be interested in the person you're talking to instead of focusing the conversation on yourself and trying to sound interesting.
- Ask the other person basic questions, for example ask them what classes they take, if they have pets or siblings, what they do on vacation.
- Learn how to develop the conversation from a simple comment. If the person says they hate the rain, you could ask them what they like to do when the weather is nice.
- Listen carefully. If your interlocutor mentions that he is from the South, when you then talk about football, you could ask him casually if he supports OM or OGC Nice.
Step 2. Stick to a reasonable amount of detail
Awkward silences can easily make people uncomfortable, but so will it if you talk without stopping about your mom, cat, or bug collection. For a good conversation, learn to discover similarities between you and the other person, in a relaxed and non-intrusive way. For example, there is a difference between asking someone "Have you ever touched a tarantula?" And "Have you ever felt the tiny hairs of a tarantula brush against the palm of your hand?" ". The last formula is more poetic, on the other hand it is far too intimate for a first conversation.
- Learn how to start and keep a conversation fun, positive, and relaxed.
- It bears repeating that you shouldn't dwell on overly original passions and interests unless they are shared by the other person or they ask a lot of questions. If he only asks you a question or two, that doesn't mean he's interested, but more likely he's being polite. Don't dominate the conversation with your enthusiasm.
- When you first meet someone, it is more important to listen to what they have to say than to talk about yourself. That said, if the two do this… no conversation! Aim for balance.
Step 3. Find common ground
Find things that you and this person have in common, even if it is not easy. If you are both from the Landes, talk about your favorite beaches or ask him if he plays rugby. If you find out that you went to the same college, then talk about your extracurricular activities or the bars you frequented at the time.
- Do not reveal your intentions too obvious: asking the person to name these 10 series of favorite bands, you will quickly be exposed.
- It can be a very simple subject. For example, both of you might find that the bar you're in has an incredible beer selection.
- Sticking to some positive commonalities is recommended, but you could still get closer by sharing your hatred for Justin Bieber (be careful to make sure that hate is shared!) Or your own story.
Step 4. Give appropriate compliments
To keep the conversation going, you can compliment the person you're talking to. Say something like “Wow! Looks like you're working hard to juggle work and class”or“I love your earrings”can help the person feel appreciated. Saying "You have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen" or "I have never seen such sublime legs" would probably send a more ambiguous message.
When you just meet someone, don't overwhelm them with compliments. Simply complimenting a personal object or personality trait during the conversation will make you come across as a polite person, without being weird
Part 3 of 3: Respect the limits
Step 1. Start slowly
Think of every relationship like a video game. You start at the easiest level and over time you progress to more difficult levels and get more and more victories. When you just meet someone, you are at level 1 and you are not supposed to go to level 2 until you are done with that first level and so on. Creepy people tend to jump straight to level 15.
- You will be able to advance in the game by talking about personal matters, but start with simple and harmless topics, like your field of study or your favorite group.
- Do not talk about your loneliness, your depression or your last nervous breakdowns: you will automatically be rejected.
Step 2. Avoid staring at people
Prolonged and intense eye contact is usually reserved for lovers. This is something you can do if the person in front of you is obviously interested in you in a loving way, but even then it would be risky, because if you were wrong you would seem like a fool. Look the person in the eye when they speak, but occasionally look away and focus your interest on something else.
And be careful not to stare at the person's body (breasts, hands, shoes, whatever), no matter how curious or admiring you are. In general, avoid giving the impression that you are passing it under a microscope
Step 3. Avoid asking overly personal questions
What is “too personal”? It depends ! Then pay attention to other people's conversations. Notice what topics people easily bring up when they meet for the first time. Know the topics to avoid: dating experiences, politics, religion, illness, and everything related to murder and death (now is not the time to explain that the sword that adorns your wall was designed to pierce the intestines of the opponent in a very specific way).
- Ask "Do you have a boyfriend?" May be appropriate if your conversation is about celibacy. Ask "Have you ever met the love of your life?" ", Or" Have you ever had a difficult breakup? " is not.
- Know how to balance questions. Asking hundreds of questions while the other person isn't asking can be overwhelming, even if the questions aren't personal.
Step 4. Avoid issuing inappropriate invitations
Do not invite someone you have just met to come over to your home or other private place, nor do you invite them to visit your cellar, cabin in the woods, abandoned greenhouse, or any other place that might take place. a horror movie scene. These kinds of invitations mean that you expect the person to trust you completely, which someone you just met won't (unless that person is very weird as well).
- If you want to invite the person, suggest a public place where there will be people.
- Your invitation might also seem inappropriate if it is an intimate event. You wouldn't ask a girl to accompany you to a wedding on your first date.
Step 5. Use respectful body language
In the end, we all have different standards when it comes to “weird people”. The only way to know what the criteria of your interlocutor are is to learn to read the signs that indicate that the person is ready to go to the next level or on the contrary, that you make them uncomfortable. There are, however, a few basic rules to follow so that you don't have body language that scares people off.
- For example, if someone is looking around or out the door a lot or turning away from you, that's probably a sign that they want to end the conversation. You will need to be very attentive and practice, but once you can read body language, you will take it into account subconsciously.
- If your body language tells you that you are uncomfortable or embarrassed, then you might scare off the other person. For example, avoid getting too close to the person or spitting when you speak.
- Don't touch someone you just met unless you are very comfortable. Avoid approaching and touching the person's hair or putting your hand on theirs when laughing, unless you are completely sure that you have made an intimate connection.
Step 6. Learn how to handle rejection (if necessary)
If people keep rejecting you despite your best efforts, you may need to take a different approach. For starters, it's important to understand why people don't want to be close to you. If the problem seems to be with you, you may need to focus on actually changing your behavior. People who are considered social outcasts are often just very special. It's easy to get resentful of people who treat you like nothing just because you're different. And that feeling might encourage you not to change your behavior.
- Accept that people judge each other and are often wrong. You'll have to get used to it, that's how it works. Don't think that adjusting your behavior so that people change their behavior towards you will mean that you have to forget about being yourself.
- By behaving more appropriately, people could get to know you, understand you, and appreciate your originality.
- Accept the rejection. No matter how you approach people, some people just won't react the way you hoped.
- Your conversation will not always go as planned. The person you're trying to talk to might have had a really bad day, is nervous, wants to be alone, or is just being rude. Understand it, turn away and try with someone else.
- When you don't know what to answer, a simple "um" or a nod will show that you are interested in the conversation and help the person talking to relax. Just be careful not to overdo it or you will seem too pressing.
- Don't feel like you have to change the way you look or dress. Be yourself ! If you are able to tailor the way you approach people, your appearance won't matter much. But if you're meeting someone for the first time, wearing a latex catsuit won't help.
- Avoid wanting to sound too cool. It is often featured in the media, especially in cartoons and video games that being distant, mysterious, and silent is cool. In real life, this behavior would simply scare people off.
If you feel the person is uncomfortable, give them a way out. Say "I would like to continue chatting, but I see you're busy, I don't want to distract you from your work." This will give the other person the opportunity to give their point of view, for example by saying “No, no problem, I don't mind at all” or “Thank you, I absolutely have to continue my work”.
Note: If you are a woman, it is in your best interest not to be overly friendly the first time you meet. Women who are too liberated sometimes give the impression of just wanting to have a good intimate moment, nothing more. The exception is when it comes to ladies of a certain age.