Do your parents often quarrel? Are their arguments getting really intense? Seeing your parents arguing is a very difficult experience, but there are steps you can take to protect yourself from the conflict, help them understand how their behaviors affect you, and deal with the consequences of it. an argument.
Part 1 of 3: take steps to protect yourself
Step 1. Stay neutral
You shouldn't become the center of the argument. Don't take a stand and try to stay completely clear. You don't have to arbitrate.
If a parent tries to get you into an argument, be honest and tell them you don't want to take sides. You have the right to do so
Step 2. Find shelter in your home
It is important that you have a sanctuary where you can take refuge in case the arguments become too stressful. Having a place to go can prevent you from seeing or hearing these intense arguments. Consider these few options:
- spend time in the backyard in case you have it
- if you have a single room that may prevent you from hearing the argument, go in
Step 3. Go to another person's house
If you don't have a safe place in your home, go elsewhere. Try to go to a neighbor who is not far from you. You could also walk, bike, or drive to a friend's or loved one's home, depending on the distance.
Step 4. Watch your favorite movie or listen to a song
If you can't get out of the house, you might be able to keep yourself busy so that you don't witness the argument. A device with a volume that you can turn up might be a better way. Use headphones if you have them. Here are some other options you could use:
- finish your homework assignments. Take the opportunity to take care of yourself and assume your responsibilities,
- read a book, especially if the noise is not loud or if you have the option of putting on headphones,
- play video games. It can be a great way to take your mind off the argument.
Step 5. Don't blame yourself
Even if your parents' arguments revolve around you, avoid assuming that you are the cause. There is no way you will get them to argue, they have chosen to do so based on the patterns of interaction they have learned in the past. There is nothing you can do that can give them enough reason to argue.
Step 6. Maintain healthy relationships
One of the best ways to protect yourself from the stress of having arguing parents is to build your personal relationships. Research has shown that strong social support is beneficial for health. You even have the opportunity to create positive relationships if your parents weren't great role models. It might take a minimum of work, but as long as you focus on the important things like trust and communication, you will escape the cycle of harmful relationships.
Step 7. Learn to live with separated or divorced parents
If you find yourself in such a situation, there are steps you can take to reduce the impact their arguments have on you.
- Get your parents to take your feelings into account. Separation or divorce can actually turn your life upside down. When it comes to who you spend time with, your living space, the school you attend and other matters that are relevant to you, then you can ask that your parents allow you to take part in this. the discussion.
- Avoid worrying too much about divorce. The main source of harm for you is parental conflict, regardless of whether your parents are divorced or not. Use your energy to manage the conflict.
Part 2 of 3: Talking with your parents
Step 1. Let your parents know that it hurts you to see them argue
Sometimes parents don't even realize the consequences of their actions on their offspring. Be sure to express your feelings to them at the end of the argument. Avoid raising the issue during the argument, as it will only make matters worse if they feel at fault. One can also blame the other if the tension rises.
Try to stay calm when speaking. Don't try to influence them or make them feel guilty. Your goal is to get them to decipher your feelings so that they can review their behavior. You are not looking for revenge
Step 2. Inform them about the consequences of an argument
Research has shown that violent quarrels between parents can damage children's emotional development. Psychologists have known for a long time that a strong attachment between parent and children is essential for a good development. According to recent research, the safety seen among caregivers is also of significant importance. Conflicts that persist between parents can be a source of anxiety, depression and behavioral problems.
Step 3. Ask them to learn about the difference between a good argument and a bad argument
Some arguments are natural and can help resolve issues. Other types of arguments hurt everyone involved, destroy relationships, and create feelings of uncertainty. The different types of arguments involve these few characteristics.
- Good: compromises. Good arguments end with a mutual agreement between the parties who decide to act differently in order to work things out. If, for example, the two individuals think that they should start having dinner at different times, they can find a compromise by choosing a new time by mutual agreement.
- Good: positive statements despite differences of opinion. Disagreement doesn't necessarily mean hating each other or not appreciating things the other does. For example, one of your parents might say I'm upset that you forgot to take out the trash, but I have to admit that you do a great job helping with the housework.
- Bad: personal insults. For example, insults and questioning each other's ability to be a good partner or parent are harmful ways of managing conflict.
- Bad: giving evasive answers and ignoring the presence of the other. A sulky silence can be as bad as vociferating, as it leaves unresolved tensions in the air and does not show good communication skills.
Step 4. Suggest that they argue in secret
This reasonable request can help spare you the impact of the emotional damage caused by your parents' arguments. When they argue in front of you, it upsets the balance of your family environment. It also teaches you that you can try to resolve conflicts through big arguments.
Explain to your parents that it will be easier to cope with the situation if they argue in a private place or their room
Step 5. Mention couples therapy or family therapy
Parents who have difficulty expressing their needs without indulging in a big argument have a lot to gain from a visit to the therapist. Couples therapy can help partners resolve various issues they may be facing, such as:
- communication problems as well as lack of mutual understanding
- practical issues like finance
- conflicts over how to bring up children
Part 3 of 3: Managing the Consequences
Step 1. Realize that some arguments are normal
Besides, there is nothing wrong with having an argument once in a while. Expressing differences of opinion is very healthy in a relationship. Accumulating emotions can cause a lot of damage over time than occasional disputes. Arguments only become problems when they are repeated over and over again, and the feelings that come with it are really intense. Since your parents reconcile after arguments and don't have them often, you probably don't have to worry.
Step 2. Enlist the help of a friend or older brother
It is important that you have sources of support other than your parents, who may be frustrated or too tired after an argument, to comfort you and explain the situation to you. If you are close to an older brother, approach him and ask if you can talk to him about your parents' arguments. If you are worried about something in particular like a possible divorce or that one of your parents is hurt, tell your older brother. If you have a trustworthy close friend, you can go to him or her as well. He may not be able to find a solution to the problem, but if he is a good comrade, then he will listen to you and help you.
Step 3. Talk to your guidance counselor
The latter is trained to deal with individual issues such as putting up with arguing parents. If you have one in your school, know that it is available to you. You don't have to say something to her if you don't feel like it. You can tell her that you are facing family conflict and need someone to talk to. If you're not sure how to contact your guidance counselor, or if your school doesn't have one, turn to your teachers.
Step 4. Avoid making hasty conclusions
It's okay to worry about your parents' relationship if you see that they are having intense arguments. However, not all arguments lead to a breakup. Many times these are more about a hard day or frustration than something serious. We all lose our temper at some point, but that doesn't always mean something bad will happen. If you have any concerns, you can bring it up with your parents and ask them to reassure you.
Parents may argue about personal habits such as financial expenses, cleanliness, and other daily details. Even if the tension does build, these kinds of arguments are common and can be a healthy way to release the pressure
Step 5. Release your own pressure
It's okay to be mad at your parents for arguing. As their child, you might feel it is their responsibility to keep you safe and protect you from harm. If they are having intense arguments, it is quite normal for you to feel frustrated and in danger. The following activities can help you express this anger.
- Practice sports. In fact, anger can come in handy in a sport like baseball or rugby. Use that extra energy to throw yourself into the in-goal or to hit a home run. However, violence is not helpful. So avoid attacking other players.
- Talk about your frustration. This can be done with any of the previously mentioned people i.e. parents, siblings, friends or counselors. Studies have shown that commonly recommended techniques like hitting pillows don't really work, but exploring your feelings with someone who can help you deal with them is a healthier way to vent your anger.